Here's To Living In The Moment, Cause It Passed

Time is bloody bizzare concepty-shebang isn't it?

Very, very weirded out by the ticking hands of clocks and chaging pages of calenders as I type this.

(I SWEAR i get crazier and crazier the more I write..and yet if I stop we face the prementioned dribbling, burbling away to myself predicament)

How can it go so damn fast when you're busy clinging to stolen moments, and trying to force and cajoul fate into doing what you want for a change...and yet when you're collecting old men's sweaty pint glasses or re-filling ketchup trays it seems possible that it could go on f.o.r.e.v.e.r?
Because it does, and yes that was a scarely guilded reference both to my irratating personal situation and how much i loathe being a waitress. AND I get bloody minimum wage. (can't allude to the much juicier "personal" shiz online, for you know, my privacy/dignity?) Agrjgfitrekyfkjykf seems to be the only word appropriate.

It just seems wailingly unfair that what I have decided i do really want is neither possible nor practical, and yes I do appreciate that in a month or so when I read this back, it wont even matter, or at least won't sting quite like it does right now, but presently I deemed it worthy of having a little weep and comforting cup of char over these four days I have left. But fret not, after my lovely phonecall with one of my girlies, the prospect of an H&M dress (preferrably the faux Luella one I've been waiting since like November for them to copy...but at this stage, if its pretty and I like it, I'm sold), some alcofroliks and a little of that precious time, four days could change everything.

This whole change just seems like it's going to uproot everyone and everything, and right now, I cannot see the benefits, just the crappy end of the stick. Which totally sucks. All we need is one more year. Or in saying that, am I secretly wishing I could have this one back, and make my decisions all over? I'm not sure, but all I know is that I am fighting time, and we all know that I cant win that one.

But look on the brightside, at least I'm not things thingyson from 'My Strange Brain' on the magnificent channel Five that really does try to educate the nation, who can't remember anything more than three minutes, and in a way is constantly trapped in the present. And maaaaaan, I bitch about my issues now?

On the flip, last night was ace. But I can't have it back either.

I'm going to shut up now, have a good 'un.

Figure It Out [Girl] You're Tripping

Well, here's my song for today's mood
All Time Low's Stay Awake (dreams only last for a night)

I could basically have used pretty much any and every line from that song for this blog, cause its pretty appropriate. The gossip on songmeanings.net (come drop a comment, on the band page I'm about to set up) suggests that Alex said that its about Peter Pan, and never wanting to grow up. Hence the quote, cause thats where I am right now. Not in like a Blance Dubois kind of way, as in desperately clinging to my fast fading youth, it's more like I don't want to have to be responsible.

The issue of the last blog have started to resolve themselves, but not in a buried under the carpet sort of way, it's more like I've resolved to try and stop being so self involved, and start focusing on the amazing people around me (who I'm totally going to start referring to as the lost boys..though that's techincally inaccurate)
They've all totally blown my mind this week, in the best way imaginable.

PS. If you haven't already get yourself the Kids in Glass Houses record, you will NOT regret it

I Ran Out Of Words To Take Your Breath Away

I'm going to try and compose this, but it's kinda difficult to write when your hands are shaking. So, here it goes.

A good friend of mine has just shocked me into taking a good, hard look at myself. And i really don't like what it is she's shown me. See, I'm actually pretty selfish, and self pitying. About two weeks ago, I spotted there's a couple of shitty characteristics I have, and am trying to strip myself of, but i'm finding it harder than I thought it would be. See, I get bored and change stuff around in my life a lot, but the one thing I've always prided myself on was being a good friend. But maybe I'm not. Maybe, it was all for a selfish purpose? It's pretty complicated, because I wrap myself up in these layers but I always figured that I was good at being there for people, that regardless of not being enough in any other respect, I was a good person.

But maybe I'm not. I don't know anyone else who has had, now six of their closest friends tell them that you aren't worth their time and they don't want to be your friend anymore. It's quite an eye opener really, in the crappiest way you can imagine. So I guess while I'm on this topic, I'm going to pick myself apart
I get eaten up with jealousy, sometimes. Really I do. It gets to the point that I can't even look certain people in the eye, because it just hurts. It's stupid because they are the loveliest people, so there is no reason for me to do it, but I do. And then there's this feeling of never being enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not nice enough, not fun enough. And then this whole debacle has only added fuel to the fire of self doubt that was already going pretty nicely without it. Ick.

Long day ahead people.
I'm in this mood, and its only 11.45
Here we go again

Here Come's The Promise Of Summer

Ok, so i'm back from the almost journal/blog-free month I've just had, and my musings regarding the whole write-your-life-online-for-the-whole-world-to-see/judge-it catharthis are now threefold.

1) I actually miss it when I dont write for a while: not to mention these blogs have become even more illiterate and time consuming, so seeing as I am still attempting to scrape my way to A's in English, I should probably keep this up.

2) If I DONT write: I gradually become crazier and crazier, so unless I decided that walking around talking to myself like a loon (maybe with a bit of dribble going on?) is the way to go: I should probably keep this up, even if only for my delicate sanity.

3) One of my best girls checks this page religiously, and I love her (even more so with the buying of the book, which actually meant the worrrrrrld to me) so this one is for herrr



Summer is well and truly here, which should mean ice cream, sun cream and strawberries & cream amongst other things, but as this IS the UK, it's more likely to mean umbrellas, bitten legs and rainy beaches. But that's really ok, cause after listening to the wonderful Alphaville's track 'Forever Young' I've decided that living in the moment really is the best plan you can have. There aint no point in worrying about what you can't control. So over the past month(ish) I've literally thrown myself headfirst into having fun, and it hit me last night, while I was watching the shadows climb the walls, i'm actually really happy right now. And yes, I know whenever anyone writes that, everyone reading cringes and hides their face in their hands, because that one sentence can have hellish repercussions, as it just seems likes it's tempting fate.

But I don't care anymore. I reckon Cyndi Lauper was bang on the money, girls just want to have fun! Well, that's not all we want, but it's fo shiz top five, right? Life is way to short to spend it freaking out even when stuff is good because it can all turn around in lightning speed (hmmm sounds like a good song title ahaha) because then you lose the moments where things can go right and it makes the shitty stuff easier to handle.

Our band have recently played two shows to very different crowds. The show at the Forum gave me butterflies in a way previously only managed by boy shapes with lovely cheekbones. So many of our idols had played there, it was just insane. The actual set was plagued with technical problems, but people were so damn positive, it made me see the whole debacle in a new light (which may actually have been more to do with the ludicrus number of glowsticks/UV lights going on). The rest of the evening was rather enjoyable, if you managed to free yourself from the drama that always seems to linger hand in hand with any night outs with us...But it was a giggle, no harm, no foul right?

The second show was amazing in a totally different way, see we had literally one of our friends with us, which is usually what hypes us up before we go on, and i was (i aint gonna lie to ya) about five deep breaths away from free falling into a MAJOR hissy fit, because I was under the illusion that my family had stood me up. (They hadn't, and seeing my sister right at the front singing the words with me actually had be verging on tears) The band we were with were fucking fantastic, and made us that little bit more nervous. But we rocked it, and I actually loved it. The after show was even better, with us and Beef, the true fan =], making our first track for out hiphop side project, and generally laughing like goons.

I don't actually think there was a specific "theme" for this post, though maybe that would have made it more coherent, and readable..hmmm

laterssss