"I've gone for too long, living like I'm not alive..

so i'm going to start over tonight, begininning with you and I"
(Paramore, Miracle!)

Isn't it strange how sometimes, when everything around you feels like its moving so fast, and you're the only thing thats stationary, you can take such strength, such hope from another persons words?

Weirder still, is that the words that woke me up (i mean that in a metaphorical way, just to clear any confusion) are those belonging to someone i don't even actually know? Not in a crazy way, but I was just walking in the fields right by the pile of bricks that I call home, and I just felt really lost. It was like even though everything around me was stuff I've known for nearly nine years now, yet it almost seemed that I was a stranger to it and to myself. This year to me has been all about quote, unquote self discovery. And I've made such progress in that I'm actually figuring out who I am and what I want, which is so different to who others think I am, and what they want for/ from me. I feel that being myself isn't quite as scary as I thought, and that the mask has slipped a little more from my face. But also, I'm embracing change. Change is good, really, believe me, it is. I've changed, and in that moment of faithlessness, it kind of hit me that I'm not done yet. So in a sense, I'm starting over again.
Ive got rid (hopefully for the last time) of all these bad habits that stick and hover around me like I'm decomposing. I'm moving on, and this time, i'm not afraid to explain what I feel, and not to bury that underneath a happy face. Tomorrow, I'm taking a black sack to my room, and donating anything that needs to go to a charity shop. Hopefully getting a haircut sometime in the next few weeks, and going shopping too.

Its just hit me how strange (that's like the hundreth time I've used that word in this) it is that I link inner change to outer appearance. Cause everything something snaps and mends within me, I want people to be able to SEE that I'm not quite the same as I was before.

So in a ridiculously long-winded, self explore-y kinda way, this is both a thank you to the incredible Hayley Williams for writing down words that have resonated in my life, and kind of a prayer that somehow my words could do the same, someday.