Her Middle Name Was Boom...

...let me introduce myself.

To start, these blogs should really be read while listening to:
-Cute Is What We Aim For: Finger Twist and Split
-Chiodos: Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face)
-The Audition: Hell To Sell
-Breathe Carolina:Diamonds
-All Time Low: Jasey Rae
-Paramore:Decoy
because thats pretty much what I'll always be listening too, so it kinda figures.

Renowned psycologist Carol Gilligan once said "half of all adults cant even remeber five concrete moments form their adolescence, the other half will remeber some of the most painful, awkward moments of your entire life." I learnt this from reading the intro to possibly the best book ever written, The Outsiders, and here are my memories, these are my stories. All of which are real, even if I wish some of them weren't.

Its a strange feeling preparing yourself to spill your guts to anyone that wants to read about whatever it is that you've found inside yourself. Even more so, perhaps, when you factor in that someone of the people i love most in the world, will probably never know about any of this, cause with them, I can never find the words.

I'm a teenage girl, not yet eighteen, Im average height, skinny, hair that is the bane of my life cause it never does quite what i want it to. I'd love to say I looked like Hayley Williams, but younger and British but you know, not so much.
I live in the South of England, I spend like eighty five percent of the time locked inside my room, which is the one place in the world i feel truly safe. My school is an all-girls school and smacks of bitchiness and hypocrisy, like the sopranos meets Bring It On.
"My friends are a different breed, my friends are everything". It's true you know.
So I guess that leaves me. I'm fantastic at falling for guys who dont like me back, I daydream more than I do anything productive, and I have the same sense of humour I did when i was five. It may be childish pathetic, but who cares? If it means that i can nearly split a lung laughing at the E4 advert that says "i love it so much I do a tiny wee" then who really cares y'all?

I'd give anything to be able to see the world, and i think thats part of the allure of dedicating my life to my band, because it's all i want to do. Yeah it'll be hard, tiring, tension fraught, but playing our songs everynight? its just too beautiful. so if you're gonna tell me to get a real job, education, i'll tell you where you can go, honey. So don't waste your breath.

This year has been amazing, I've learnt so much about myself. I've had my emotions tested almost to breaking point, I've stood in the middle of chaos, and war and confusion and I've come through the other side so much stronger than I ever thought Icould be. I still sometimes wake up feeling nauseous with panic, I've cried so hard I've been sick, and yet I wouldn't trade a minute, because everything happens for a reason, and I've stopped being so self-involved, and have really learnt the meaning of the phrase "give yourself away."

I like to kiss boys, and yet i've still never had the kiss: the one that turns you inside out. Far too many of mine involve a tongue tickling my throat, clamoruing hands on my neck, back, hips and have me digging my nails in my palm. The kisses get me into trouble sometimes, because too often they're not thought through, and when you wake up the next day, with smoke-smelling hair clinging in wisps to your face, and clothes that suddenly feel too big, you wish they'd never happened. But they did, and you have to deal with the fall out. I'm currently feuding with my ex, and although the words change, we've been having this fight since February. I've broken two hearts and severly dented a third. And that's not something I'm proud of, in fact it sickens me to the pit of my stomach, but for the first time in a long time I'm trying honesty.