I've recently realised that the two posts I've just added are rather melancholic, and may give the impression that I'm like this permanent misery chick, so I figure I'll add this one to disprove the theory.
( Hmmm, I'm now wishing that all geeks could be as cute as Leonard in the Big Bang Theory, cause itd make life that little bit more fun, really, wouldn't it?)
The title was picked because i love that band and song (ATL if anyone's wondering?) but I also love to dance. Really, everyone should try it: if you have the privelege of getting the house to yourself, crank Forever The Sickest Kids IDKAYBICTFD and just do it! I realise that excluding the three hours of private hell, that I am not, and will never go into, the party on Wednesday was amazeee. Really, my best friends, 'my' rather ace hat, loud music, laughter, disecting every beatles record ever made, and those conversations that occur at like four in the morning, that aren't really about anything, but just make you smile. You've gotta grab onto those moments, truly, cause in the end there what being a teenager, hell being a person are all about.
However, in the UK, not being able to drive til you turn seventeen can be a little bit problematic, cause I felt like such a tramp on the way home; due to brushing my teeth in the station bathroom and reading 'the Acid House' by Irvine Welsh- which I would totally recommend, because its great, in a sicken-you-to-the-pit-of-your-stomach, masochistic sort of way- earned me some mighty strange sideways glances from the communters on the train at nine in the morning (afternoon). Worth every second, really.
I aslo love phonecalls from my friends, as today I've had three, and they make me happy.
Right now, I'm contenting myself, with mushroom burgers (which are actually much nicer than they sound) and pasta, painting my nails taxi-cab yellow and watching SATC re-runs.
Ahhhhh life is good.
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Friday, 30 May 2008
"I've gone for too long, living like I'm not alive..
so i'm going to start over tonight, begininning with you and I"
(Paramore, Miracle!)
Isn't it strange how sometimes, when everything around you feels like its moving so fast, and you're the only thing thats stationary, you can take such strength, such hope from another persons words?
Weirder still, is that the words that woke me up (i mean that in a metaphorical way, just to clear any confusion) are those belonging to someone i don't even actually know? Not in a crazy way, but I was just walking in the fields right by the pile of bricks that I call home, and I just felt really lost. It was like even though everything around me was stuff I've known for nearly nine years now, yet it almost seemed that I was a stranger to it and to myself. This year to me has been all about quote, unquote self discovery. And I've made such progress in that I'm actually figuring out who I am and what I want, which is so different to who others think I am, and what they want for/ from me. I feel that being myself isn't quite as scary as I thought, and that the mask has slipped a little more from my face. But also, I'm embracing change. Change is good, really, believe me, it is. I've changed, and in that moment of faithlessness, it kind of hit me that I'm not done yet. So in a sense, I'm starting over again.
Ive got rid (hopefully for the last time) of all these bad habits that stick and hover around me like I'm decomposing. I'm moving on, and this time, i'm not afraid to explain what I feel, and not to bury that underneath a happy face. Tomorrow, I'm taking a black sack to my room, and donating anything that needs to go to a charity shop. Hopefully getting a haircut sometime in the next few weeks, and going shopping too.
Its just hit me how strange (that's like the hundreth time I've used that word in this) it is that I link inner change to outer appearance. Cause everything something snaps and mends within me, I want people to be able to SEE that I'm not quite the same as I was before.
So in a ridiculously long-winded, self explore-y kinda way, this is both a thank you to the incredible Hayley Williams for writing down words that have resonated in my life, and kind of a prayer that somehow my words could do the same, someday.
(Paramore, Miracle!)
Isn't it strange how sometimes, when everything around you feels like its moving so fast, and you're the only thing thats stationary, you can take such strength, such hope from another persons words?
Weirder still, is that the words that woke me up (i mean that in a metaphorical way, just to clear any confusion) are those belonging to someone i don't even actually know? Not in a crazy way, but I was just walking in the fields right by the pile of bricks that I call home, and I just felt really lost. It was like even though everything around me was stuff I've known for nearly nine years now, yet it almost seemed that I was a stranger to it and to myself. This year to me has been all about quote, unquote self discovery. And I've made such progress in that I'm actually figuring out who I am and what I want, which is so different to who others think I am, and what they want for/ from me. I feel that being myself isn't quite as scary as I thought, and that the mask has slipped a little more from my face. But also, I'm embracing change. Change is good, really, believe me, it is. I've changed, and in that moment of faithlessness, it kind of hit me that I'm not done yet. So in a sense, I'm starting over again.
Ive got rid (hopefully for the last time) of all these bad habits that stick and hover around me like I'm decomposing. I'm moving on, and this time, i'm not afraid to explain what I feel, and not to bury that underneath a happy face. Tomorrow, I'm taking a black sack to my room, and donating anything that needs to go to a charity shop. Hopefully getting a haircut sometime in the next few weeks, and going shopping too.
Its just hit me how strange (that's like the hundreth time I've used that word in this) it is that I link inner change to outer appearance. Cause everything something snaps and mends within me, I want people to be able to SEE that I'm not quite the same as I was before.
So in a ridiculously long-winded, self explore-y kinda way, this is both a thank you to the incredible Hayley Williams for writing down words that have resonated in my life, and kind of a prayer that somehow my words could do the same, someday.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Her Middle Name Was Boom...
...let me introduce myself.
To start, these blogs should really be read while listening to:
-Cute Is What We Aim For: Finger Twist and Split
-Chiodos: Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face)
-The Audition: Hell To Sell
-Breathe Carolina:Diamonds
-All Time Low: Jasey Rae
-Paramore:Decoy
because thats pretty much what I'll always be listening too, so it kinda figures.
Renowned psycologist Carol Gilligan once said "half of all adults cant even remeber five concrete moments form their adolescence, the other half will remeber some of the most painful, awkward moments of your entire life." I learnt this from reading the intro to possibly the best book ever written, The Outsiders, and here are my memories, these are my stories. All of which are real, even if I wish some of them weren't.
Its a strange feeling preparing yourself to spill your guts to anyone that wants to read about whatever it is that you've found inside yourself. Even more so, perhaps, when you factor in that someone of the people i love most in the world, will probably never know about any of this, cause with them, I can never find the words.
I'm a teenage girl, not yet eighteen, Im average height, skinny, hair that is the bane of my life cause it never does quite what i want it to. I'd love to say I looked like Hayley Williams, but younger and British but you know, not so much.
I live in the South of England, I spend like eighty five percent of the time locked inside my room, which is the one place in the world i feel truly safe. My school is an all-girls school and smacks of bitchiness and hypocrisy, like the sopranos meets Bring It On.
"My friends are a different breed, my friends are everything". It's true you know.
So I guess that leaves me. I'm fantastic at falling for guys who dont like me back, I daydream more than I do anything productive, and I have the same sense of humour I did when i was five. It may be childish pathetic, but who cares? If it means that i can nearly split a lung laughing at the E4 advert that says "i love it so much I do a tiny wee" then who really cares y'all?
I'd give anything to be able to see the world, and i think thats part of the allure of dedicating my life to my band, because it's all i want to do. Yeah it'll be hard, tiring, tension fraught, but playing our songs everynight? its just too beautiful. so if you're gonna tell me to get a real job, education, i'll tell you where you can go, honey. So don't waste your breath.
This year has been amazing, I've learnt so much about myself. I've had my emotions tested almost to breaking point, I've stood in the middle of chaos, and war and confusion and I've come through the other side so much stronger than I ever thought Icould be. I still sometimes wake up feeling nauseous with panic, I've cried so hard I've been sick, and yet I wouldn't trade a minute, because everything happens for a reason, and I've stopped being so self-involved, and have really learnt the meaning of the phrase "give yourself away."
I like to kiss boys, and yet i've still never had the kiss: the one that turns you inside out. Far too many of mine involve a tongue tickling my throat, clamoruing hands on my neck, back, hips and have me digging my nails in my palm. The kisses get me into trouble sometimes, because too often they're not thought through, and when you wake up the next day, with smoke-smelling hair clinging in wisps to your face, and clothes that suddenly feel too big, you wish they'd never happened. But they did, and you have to deal with the fall out. I'm currently feuding with my ex, and although the words change, we've been having this fight since February. I've broken two hearts and severly dented a third. And that's not something I'm proud of, in fact it sickens me to the pit of my stomach, but for the first time in a long time I'm trying honesty.
To start, these blogs should really be read while listening to:
-Cute Is What We Aim For: Finger Twist and Split
-Chiodos: Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face)
-The Audition: Hell To Sell
-Breathe Carolina:Diamonds
-All Time Low: Jasey Rae
-Paramore:Decoy
because thats pretty much what I'll always be listening too, so it kinda figures.
Renowned psycologist Carol Gilligan once said "half of all adults cant even remeber five concrete moments form their adolescence, the other half will remeber some of the most painful, awkward moments of your entire life." I learnt this from reading the intro to possibly the best book ever written, The Outsiders, and here are my memories, these are my stories. All of which are real, even if I wish some of them weren't.
Its a strange feeling preparing yourself to spill your guts to anyone that wants to read about whatever it is that you've found inside yourself. Even more so, perhaps, when you factor in that someone of the people i love most in the world, will probably never know about any of this, cause with them, I can never find the words.
I'm a teenage girl, not yet eighteen, Im average height, skinny, hair that is the bane of my life cause it never does quite what i want it to. I'd love to say I looked like Hayley Williams, but younger and British but you know, not so much.
I live in the South of England, I spend like eighty five percent of the time locked inside my room, which is the one place in the world i feel truly safe. My school is an all-girls school and smacks of bitchiness and hypocrisy, like the sopranos meets Bring It On.
"My friends are a different breed, my friends are everything". It's true you know.
So I guess that leaves me. I'm fantastic at falling for guys who dont like me back, I daydream more than I do anything productive, and I have the same sense of humour I did when i was five. It may be childish pathetic, but who cares? If it means that i can nearly split a lung laughing at the E4 advert that says "i love it so much I do a tiny wee" then who really cares y'all?
I'd give anything to be able to see the world, and i think thats part of the allure of dedicating my life to my band, because it's all i want to do. Yeah it'll be hard, tiring, tension fraught, but playing our songs everynight? its just too beautiful. so if you're gonna tell me to get a real job, education, i'll tell you where you can go, honey. So don't waste your breath.
This year has been amazing, I've learnt so much about myself. I've had my emotions tested almost to breaking point, I've stood in the middle of chaos, and war and confusion and I've come through the other side so much stronger than I ever thought Icould be. I still sometimes wake up feeling nauseous with panic, I've cried so hard I've been sick, and yet I wouldn't trade a minute, because everything happens for a reason, and I've stopped being so self-involved, and have really learnt the meaning of the phrase "give yourself away."
I like to kiss boys, and yet i've still never had the kiss: the one that turns you inside out. Far too many of mine involve a tongue tickling my throat, clamoruing hands on my neck, back, hips and have me digging my nails in my palm. The kisses get me into trouble sometimes, because too often they're not thought through, and when you wake up the next day, with smoke-smelling hair clinging in wisps to your face, and clothes that suddenly feel too big, you wish they'd never happened. But they did, and you have to deal with the fall out. I'm currently feuding with my ex, and although the words change, we've been having this fight since February. I've broken two hearts and severly dented a third. And that's not something I'm proud of, in fact it sickens me to the pit of my stomach, but for the first time in a long time I'm trying honesty.
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