There's A Piece Of Me In Every Single Second

of every single day

if its true, tell me how we got this way

where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm writing you a symphony of sound

but it was you i was thinking of

(Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape)

Oh Andrew McMahon, I so love you.

After years of dedication to the wonderful Something Corporate- this? Sheer lyrical and compositional perfection. Call me musically immature but pop punk done this beautifully is breath taking. And moves exactly in synch to the beats of my heart right now.

See, there's a part of me that's trapped in the echos of what was or could have been for, well, I guess for everyone.

I think it was sparked by bumping into one of my childhood friends today, and seeing her with her baby for the first time. I mean, i can hardly pick out my own shoes in the morning, or decide what i want for breakfast let alone be responsible for raising and being depended on by another human being. Let me get this straight, i by no means am demonising the choices she's made, because I refuse to be cynical enough to believe that having a baby at seventeen means her life is over. I have every faith in the girl I once knew that she'll mature into greatness, whatever avenue that leads her down. It's just difficult to reconcile her as a nine year old girl whose bedroom I used to sit and we'd go on bubblegum chatrooms and play internet games involving puppies trying to cross a bridge with this mother i barely know. I just wish circumstances had let me talk to her, see how she's doing these days (i mean the immediate ones not the philosophical ones: i was going into the doctors office as she was 'checking in'. But as an added plus my blood test came back clean).

Then I got to thinking that all my former playground friends are actual people now, and I don't really know any of them anymore. It all just makes me a nostalgic kind of melancholy.

Equally, I think I'm jealous of two girls I barely know. This makes me sick.

Camomile tea and mentally spending my £100 deposit on my summer wishlist seems the only thing keeping me sane.

Someone Take Control Of Me

I am spinning in infinity

With my life its going endlessly from control

(Neutral Milk Hotel - Wishful Eyes)

I wish for simplicity.

I'm majorly over complicating things that are not meant to be complex or intricate.

Today I've eaten an entire roll of raw pastry and just cried whilst watching Gilmore Girls, which is a sure sign something isn't quite right with me. I think its a horrible cocktail of exam stress, jealousy, wondering if I've picked the right path, this hugely familiar itch that comes with being far too similar to someone I'm threatened by (on two separate counts this time) and the fact I can't sleep anymore.

I really don't like those people who just whinge constantly, but right now it just feels like I've been holding in a breath for a long time and I'm afraid to let it out; and whats worse is that I don't know why. Half hoping that this blood test demonstrates something that can actually be fixed, rather than providing more unanswerable questions.

Two rather beautiful things have appeared out of the misty haze though. I'm feeling closer to God than I have for ages, which i think is due to actually praying honestly last night for the first time since evening were getting dark about five; and finally having that realisation that its not about being perfect its about being brave enough to be candid. The other is that my passion for the little things that I truly love has been reignited. The buzz of discovering new music that sets you on fire, re-reading old issues of NYLON, photos from the getttyimages/flickr collection that i just adore (like the feet in the snow, or the bruised knees), nerding out over Stephen Fry in America and writing things again.

I cut myself in a proper fringe again this morning, but I'm now left with a dilemma; bitchin' fringe but my eyebrows (one of my better features) are hidden.

Oh, and Enter Shikari's new song makes me want to blitz my problems away on a dancefloor.

Thats Me In The Corner, Thats Me In The Spotlight

People losing faith makes me really sad