i'm not sure if i want to even do this anymore
i'm so fricking sick of being second best
sorry

There's A Piece Of Me In Every Single Second

of every single day

if its true, tell me how we got this way

where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm writing you a symphony of sound

but it was you i was thinking of

(Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape)

Oh Andrew McMahon, I so love you.

After years of dedication to the wonderful Something Corporate- this? Sheer lyrical and compositional perfection. Call me musically immature but pop punk done this beautifully is breath taking. And moves exactly in synch to the beats of my heart right now.

See, there's a part of me that's trapped in the echos of what was or could have been for, well, I guess for everyone.

I think it was sparked by bumping into one of my childhood friends today, and seeing her with her baby for the first time. I mean, i can hardly pick out my own shoes in the morning, or decide what i want for breakfast let alone be responsible for raising and being depended on by another human being. Let me get this straight, i by no means am demonising the choices she's made, because I refuse to be cynical enough to believe that having a baby at seventeen means her life is over. I have every faith in the girl I once knew that she'll mature into greatness, whatever avenue that leads her down. It's just difficult to reconcile her as a nine year old girl whose bedroom I used to sit and we'd go on bubblegum chatrooms and play internet games involving puppies trying to cross a bridge with this mother i barely know. I just wish circumstances had let me talk to her, see how she's doing these days (i mean the immediate ones not the philosophical ones: i was going into the doctors office as she was 'checking in'. But as an added plus my blood test came back clean).

Then I got to thinking that all my former playground friends are actual people now, and I don't really know any of them anymore. It all just makes me a nostalgic kind of melancholy.

Equally, I think I'm jealous of two girls I barely know. This makes me sick.

Camomile tea and mentally spending my £100 deposit on my summer wishlist seems the only thing keeping me sane.

Someone Take Control Of Me

I am spinning in infinity

With my life its going endlessly from control

(Neutral Milk Hotel - Wishful Eyes)

I wish for simplicity.

I'm majorly over complicating things that are not meant to be complex or intricate.

Today I've eaten an entire roll of raw pastry and just cried whilst watching Gilmore Girls, which is a sure sign something isn't quite right with me. I think its a horrible cocktail of exam stress, jealousy, wondering if I've picked the right path, this hugely familiar itch that comes with being far too similar to someone I'm threatened by (on two separate counts this time) and the fact I can't sleep anymore.

I really don't like those people who just whinge constantly, but right now it just feels like I've been holding in a breath for a long time and I'm afraid to let it out; and whats worse is that I don't know why. Half hoping that this blood test demonstrates something that can actually be fixed, rather than providing more unanswerable questions.

Two rather beautiful things have appeared out of the misty haze though. I'm feeling closer to God than I have for ages, which i think is due to actually praying honestly last night for the first time since evening were getting dark about five; and finally having that realisation that its not about being perfect its about being brave enough to be candid. The other is that my passion for the little things that I truly love has been reignited. The buzz of discovering new music that sets you on fire, re-reading old issues of NYLON, photos from the getttyimages/flickr collection that i just adore (like the feet in the snow, or the bruised knees), nerding out over Stephen Fry in America and writing things again.

I cut myself in a proper fringe again this morning, but I'm now left with a dilemma; bitchin' fringe but my eyebrows (one of my better features) are hidden.

Oh, and Enter Shikari's new song makes me want to blitz my problems away on a dancefloor.

Thats Me In The Corner, Thats Me In The Spotlight

People losing faith makes me really sad

Lets Play Twister, Lets Play Risk

Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis? hey, baby,are we losing touch?

If you believed they put a man on the moon, man on the moon

If you believe there's nothing up my sleeve, then nothing is cool

(R.E.M - Man on the Moon)

Today's been amazing ♥

From the second of peeling back my covers, its been a bright one; I think fun and serenity have been the order of the day. Called the boy to ensure that he actually made it to his exam rather than sleeping through it, which (duh?) made me giggle and reminded me how much i missed him. And how lucky I am. Oh my gosh rediscovered how much i adore poetry (once again back to the book learning) and revision in the sunshine. I know i sound materialistic banging on about fashion and maybe i am a little. But shopping really IS the best, least scratchy kind of therapy. You don't even need to BUY anything, though the swing cut vest top with the Watership Down print is too adorable to leave on a shelf too long.

But onto the main point of the blog, basically toady's made me reconnect with an obvious truth.

That its the people who make this life worthwhile, isn't it?

I realise that this is either cheesy or pointless as they'll never read it, but i still want to let those people that matter the most know how amazing they are.

Elizabeth (Effy) Wilson We've been inseparable since the day i first say 'hello baby sister' I'm lucky enough to have a sister and an incredible friend in you simultaneously.

Jessica Laming For being the same person as me, without the awful sense of organisation and timing, being the only person I'd ever survive through guides and back to brownies with, and being the best dressed girl I've ever met.

Sophia Leader For being my absolute best friend since the year seven trip to Oswestry, and being that girl for me every time.

Eleanor Smith For manging to be wise and pant-wettingly funny in the same breath. You've been one of my favourite people since Izzys- BDMFL.

Victoria Keegan First ever friend at TGS, being as addicted to topshop as I am, and regular Knight English panics.

Sophie Brooks For evenings out (Hungry 4 Citrus) and evenings in, and being the only other person in 106 club.

Louise Skinner Because Mrs Keith-Lucas actually knew what she was talking about. And driving the car in which I've had to practice pelvic floor exercises.

Bethany Stephens For being the girl that I gossip with and who somehow manges to see through whatever walls i put up. Ginger rogers.

Kenneth Liu Because i cannot imagine you ever not being my friend, and a person who unfailingly is a great with the best music taste.

John Taylor Because you are the only person that HAS to be at a party otherwise it'll suck, and being the only person I've ever met to get an unconditional offer in Year Thirteen!

Rachid Coatsworth For making me laugh more than most can, being the wittiest person I know and finally playing me Electric Feel

BenFrancis For being brave enough to wear pink before it was cool to, and tearing up Oxford with a Mohawk.

Catherine Fry For being that girl I couldn't live without.

Imogen Buttery Because we buy the same shoes, crush on the same actors and hold the same morals. You've been there for me one too many times!

Charles James Boon For being the late night phone call guy, the Devil Wears Prada Guy, the tattoo guy, and for being voluntary family.

Louise Anderson For the rebel phase of 2006, being afraid of pigeons, the best girl to have at a party and the single most amusingly honest person in this world.

Stephen Downton For being the other Alkaline Trio obsessive and many summers of the SSC.

Liam Harrison For battenbergs, a summer trying to teach me to skate and Zebrahead.

Alicia Thompson For being the most bitchingly dressed voice of reason I've ever, ever come across. I love you more than I can verbalise.

Sabrina Kandoria Because sometimes these things bind us together forever. Baileys and Brighton girlie, Baileys and Brighton.

Jonathon Martin For the entire party holding back my hair and putting my tiara back on. And for being here for me even after everything we went through.

Oliver Mills For being inspirational in the extreme. Always a pleasure to sit next to, the people of Thailand are lucky to have you.

Joshua Sporle For evening spent wasted trying to climb out Katy's bathroom window, and the Vivaldi club remix.

Yew Jin Lee Because i still love you even though you actually beat me in our race

Sophie Sabin Pour être le seul autre qui n'a jamais remis ses devoirs dans les leçons de Mme Daniell. Je t'adore, l'année prochaine donnera un coup de pied quelques-uns.

Alix Hope Oh, they didn't deserve you anyway! She's the best and most persistent ravers i've ever met, and is one half of my all time favourite couples ever.

Adam Johnson For conversations about fat ex's, supposedly gay ex's and ex's ex's chest hair. Also for being one of the all time best boy huggers ever.

Gregory Pritchard Because he's the only boy who making golden syrup pancakes and repeatedly pouring wine on the floor with could ever be so funny seven months down the line. For putting up with my hissy fits, and being my best friend and my boyfriend in one person.

Clare Richards For being the only person I've ever met who is as obsessed with Hello Kitty and Luella as I am. Her faith is inspirationally lovely.

Josh Stribling/Harry Coezens For SH09 and actually completely getting me despite vastly differing opinions on the topic each morning.

So How Could You Say Those Things?

when you know they don't mean anything

(Taking Back Sunday - Bike Scene)

Oh wow, feeling less like a female version of the Hulk this morning (except less green and excess muscley, more 5"6 inches of jealousy, doubt and insecurity) I really do love my sister, our late night chats make me feel less shakily like an extra from an angsty scene from 90210.

That little voice in my head that tells me everythings going to be ok is actually winning out today. The sun is shining, pepsi max is on special offer and we're now onto back to back season one The OC marathons. Everything IS going to be alright.

Swimming Through Sick Lullabies

(The Killers- Mr Brightside)

Argh how can i be such a bitch sometimes?
Desperately pinning it down to hormones, and all sorts of horrible girly things. I feel horrible for feeling like I do, because it's not fair. None of it is.

I really, really wish I didn't care.

We're Part Of A Crazy World

(the insanely awesome Ladyhawke)

Oh dear sweet blogger, did you miss me?
I've done a fair bit of growing up since I lasted posted, believe it or not.
I've freaking finally swapped my green driving license for a red one and I've left school for good.
(Wow, still feels kinda funny to write that)
At the moment, my world revolves around frantic attempts at book learning, and even more frantic attempts to avoid book learning, cause its a tad b.o.r.i.n.g
But I know I need and deserve these grades, so i'm currently trying to beat myself into submission that this summer will kick some, and all I have left is two weeks before exams begin (oh how can that be possible?) and especially on the thematic history paper (two weeks tomorrow) i just don't know enough. I give the impression of radiating geekiness, but theres no guarantee that comes with that saying when i open that horrid brown envelope I'll be ok.
I miss the simple days of hanging out at Tinkers Island, or the coffee shop at the bottom of Gabriels Hill, where the future seemed so far away. That said, I'm trying this new thing of actually taking the time to appreciate how incredible life is. I'm blessed beyond belief, and i'm not going to let a teensy bit of apprehension/hindsight take away from it.
The party this time last week was really wonderful. It might have been a little spacious, but the people there made so much of it worthwhile.
My highlights from the party that time forgot (I went as a sixties chick) include but aren't limited to: driving there with some of the worlds best girlies and laughing til i nearly weed myself, nearly blowing the whole thing off for a plant show, dancing backstage/onstage/in front of the stage, the ol' favourite 'how high can you kick if you keep your leg straight game', seeing my boy for the first time in too long, Justices remix of Electric Feel, Josh's DJ set, Alix dancing to Josh's DJ set, sitting with my head resting on Greg's shoulder on the wall outside the Forum with The Maine in the background, teasing Imogen Grace about a boy, the effect of alcohol on my boy, Hungry 4 Citrus, ghostcar and the fact that the only person who could actually navigate us home was drunk enough to scream 'a baby, baby mouse!' on seeing a fox cross the road.
All in all, a dead good night really.

Confetti Rain Falls And A Quiet Street

the beauty is in what you make it, so get up on your feet

because tonight, the world turned in me

because right now, i don't dare to breathe

(Jimmy Eat World- Chase This Light)

I have to admitt, my neck of the woods looks awfully pretty at this time of year. With the sun, the greenery and the blossom it looks a little flickr-collectiony. I went for a walk with my ipod and just stood on the railway bridge for about ten minutes listening to Nada Surf. Albeit there were some weird, slightly frightened glances from passing commuters, but it was just a really serene moment. See, my minds been whirling around a lot lately, but i've finally hit on a winning combination to prevent my head feeling like its in a pressure cooker. Essentially, SH09 taught me this winning trick of what is called (within, ahem, intellectual circles) 'lectio divina' which is basically a form of meditation/Bible study which is the teenage girl equivalent of the horse whisperer, cause i can actively feel my knots unscrunch. Then when everything starts moving at a more leisurely pace, stress seems further away, and everything stops snowballing.

So, there's been a lot more deep breathing and gasping at the view of my sleepy town from the outskirts. Which is lovely, because its the place where i've come of age with style. That's one of these things i can't stop thinking about right now, that its almost all over. This era ends in just over three weeks, and i am just not quite ready. I'm getting there, really i am, but i just can't process that in september everyone starts their adult life, we're no longer school kids and we should have dealt with all this drama. I cant quite articulate eloquently exactly how i'm feeling, but its half sad, half excited. Like i can't decide whether to be teary or wide eyed about everything turning upside down.

Here Comes The Sun

(The Beatles)

Got home today and i'm feeling happy, happy, happy ♥

Honestly, there's no caviat to it, I've just had one of the loveliest weekends with a boy i'm pretty much head over heels for. I'm back in my room now, with Blossom Top, some chocolate, Switchfoot and my noveau topshop shoes, and I don't think i can see a bad cloud on my horizon. School's going to be a little mucky, but i'm trying to stay afloat with revision and essays cause study leave is hurtling forwards, but it means i get to ditch the parka and haul out the Ray Bans, cause the Summer term has officially begun. And you know what that means.

I've finally sorted out my head, and although i've already slipped up more than once, I'm really trying to become the girl He wants me to become. Plus, i'm feeling a little more sure about the future, and who and what i want in it, and this may include a trip up to Liverpool. I'm just really diggin' this sense of peace that i've learnt to acquire from SH09 (which jesca and charlieeee are getting back from today..eeeep!) and trying to work it into every aspect of my life.

I'm also l.o.v.ing being able to go to the pub (im sorry to those who's birthdays havent come around yet, i'll take you out to t'George/Beau Nash if you fancy?) both with my favourite people and also those new exciting people i don't really know. And we've got a show coming up :] And sunday is six months which i think means taking said boy to London for to hit up Beyond Retro, an ice cream stall and Hyde Park. Aces.

Oh, and there's Lewis on la tele tonight, which is the icing on the cupcake

Flowers were meant to bloom

you will not break a reed that's bruised

(reference to isaiah 61)

Instead of the previous ATL citation, i think this is perhaps a more fitting inscription for my wrist? anyone got any opinions (or, you know, onions) on this current idea, let me know as i'm now of a age where getting a tattoo wouldn't involve a seedy back parlour in brighton. the title of todays post is a worship song that is generally about how everyone has a destiny to fulfil and how there's a God who loves us enough to make it happen.

in case this wasn't already apparent, i kept my promise to blogger, i am not only in a better headspace, but one of the most hopeful and peaceful i've been for a while. Spring Harvest was everything i wanted and oh-so-much more! i truly feel like i've got my sparkle back, and that the reason everything was grey and oblate was because of me, essentially! i'd up sticksed and got a little bit lost in a crowd of people and wasn't really being myself, and was just generally being like everyone else. and its not enough for me, like thats the reason for everything being so sluggish and stagnant (faith wise) is because i'd whacked up my priorities (she says whilst on facebook/blogger during 'revision time') and i'm just desperate to see them right again, which means taking time out from my general existance of being glued to my phone, on topshop.co.uk or in h&m to worship a little more, get encouragement from other christians and generally pray a bit more honestly. and know that whilst im hurting i'm not hurt.

i actually had one of the best evenings out last night, really. like i've gone through this massive emotional/spiritual overhaul in my five days in somerset, but i know i'm not actually that strong yet, and i wasn't sure if i'd collapse under the strain of just general life back where im at. but that was pretty much the opposite of what happened. i did get mocked fairly mercilessly for my newly adopted old lady ways, and my not-even-katie-from-skins-voice-just-one-that-sounds-horrible but i havent actually felt that secure and held in a long time, ace!

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough

(I believe this is the Manics feat. Nina Pearsson?)

I'm actually faintly ashamed reading back at the, quite frankly, pathetic amount/calibre of posts I've done recently. I'm not really sure whether its CAUSED by this or is a consequence of the fact that I'm being equally useless with my private diary (the good old fashioned pen-paper kind), but I don't think I like it. This used to be my thing you know? I used to write all the time, and somehow I've just gotten out the habit of doing what this is: a spontaneous late night post, because the ones I've crafted aren't as raw and real as these ones.

I'm worried that I don't do anything 'me' anymore.
I'm not one hundred percent sure of how to communicate this, its like since I've figured myself out, I'm not spending any time on me, and yet somehow I've also become way more self absorbed. It's a catch 22, lose-lose situation and I have no idea how its happened. It frightened me the other day that I'm not sure i have any dreams anymore, what I have instead are plans, instructions. I'm afraid I've become less whimsical and creative, more methodical and well, boring. Like i seem to have lost my passion for things that were once screamingly important to me in favour of dwelling on the next steps i have to take, and I hate it.
Pretty much counting on Spring Harvest to fix me, though I realise i've essentially pinned the answer to all my problems on five days in Somerset, though, to be brutal, if anything has a shot its there. It's just, monotone where things used to be vivid and glittering.
Because I've got pretty much everything I've ever wanted, and i'm simaltaneously craning my neck to see whats ahead, and dragging my feet in protest at walking towards a new direction.
At the moment I'm testing myself constantly, to see if I'm good enough at the things that define (confine?) me. Just because I've been desperately chasing after them doesn't automatically make me good enough, and i just really need a win right now.

I'm Hoping You'll Understand, And Not Let Go Of My Hand

(La Roux- In For The Kill)

My feelings are being increasingly fragile at the moment, if I'm honest. Not as they were a while ago, which involved treacherous mood swings between jump on my bed happy or the sort of mood where all you want to do is walk around in the rain listening to the Smiths. No, this is more like i feel fragile, that all everything is moving around me at double speed and im just sitting trying to guard the beatings in my chest. (I don't think i could sound more trite and cliched if i tried?) Hmmm, i guess I'll try for a happier place and get back to you?

It gets better after awhile...

You Can't Be Dumb Enough To Dream So Big...

...Yes, we can

(You, me and everyone we know)

Oh my goshhh we did recordings today, can you believe it? Not sure if i can! It's pretty much a dream i've had for a really long time. See, since I was about five I've been in a band. It's all i've ever done, and today is a new high point for us. Albiet there were bits of my vocals i really wasn't happy with, the rest of them thought it was "lovely" so I'll trust their opinion.

It all seemed faintly surreal. I'm not really sure how much of what i was feeling i can actually record proficiently enough, but safe to say it was a little bit magical. And a day with those girlies is always a day well spent, they make my cheeks ache.

Its Not The Falling Of The Temperature Thats Making All Our Bones Run Cold...

...its the breeze you make, the presense felt when you're around me

(New Found Glory- Head On Collision)

I'm backkkkk, yet i feel really in no mood to be writing what I had hoped would turn out to be an exciting and inspirational piece of prose published on tinternet. But it sounds bizarre, but I'm back. Me. Truly. I'm not sure if I was really lost, but a piece of me had gone, and feeling faithless was really scary for me, like i wasn't sure how to look at anything, or see anyone properly and i can say 100% that I hope that feeling never comes back. I mean i know it will, just hopefully next time i'll be better equipped to handle it, and force it away even faster. I'd forgotten how much more cluttered my head gets whn i'm not writing here or elsewhere, or talking to people about whats going on with me...so here it goes again, i guess.

I'm really happy with how things are going right now. Like, I'm a little worried I've just jinxed myself uttering that, but i dont care! Planning what should be the acest summer on record, its my birthday in just over a month( ...eeeep!) and just being able to stand here happy with the present (yesss i'm still as neurotic as i have ever been, ive not mellowed in these few months, there's still things about me I want to change, but im working on it...new imporved me should be ready for about april 2009 hehe) and equally happy looking outwards to whatever it is that comes next for me. And for all of us. We've just been paying for our yearbooks and its recently dawned on me, that it about four months this chapter is closed, and things cant ever be the same. I don't think i mean that in a bad way, but its like the bricks and mortar won't hold us together anymore, it'll all be down to us. And dreams have to become reality rather than options we put on our careers guidance sheet.

And yes, quite frankly, its is terrfiying, it's also liberating, i guess.

Man, I'd forgotten how cathartic this is! Well, right now i'm off for a sizable neros caffine hit before heading to school to grovel, plead and cry on my history teacher to have mercy on me and my Civil Rights Coureswork.

Amazing Grace, How Sweet The Sound, That Saved A Wretch Like Me

(The Almost- Amazing Because It Is)

Yeahhhhh i know that the song has been around for a while, but this specific version is off their album Southern Weather, and pretttyyyy much sums up why I love Aarron Gillespie so.
For like a month, Brand New's album title 'the devil and god are raging inside me' has almost perfectly taken up my neurone space when i'm alone, ive been afraid, ive tried to run, and everytime God blows my mind because he is just so incredible. Thats the rough outline of this entry.

He forced me to re-evaluate my priorites and see that faith is so important. and he's right (duh?). which is why my new years resolution is to try and "capture God." I'm making every effort to put him first, and trust that He loves me, and He's keeping me safe. I'm annoying myself cause it seems everytime i read my bible i stumble across a verse that actually brings me to tears, and its such a pathetic and cliched reaction! But it seems to be to my go-to method to express enough how lucky i am. Ive been brought up in a Christian family, and my parents are such an inspiration to me. But when i was thirteen and i found who God really is by myself, since that day ive never been able to doubt His existance. However, there have been times where I've been so lost it embarrasses me and i get so self-centred and short sighted i end up wondering why He even bothers, quite frankly, but i'm learning to believe that I matter to Him. No matter how many little bits of blackness stick to my heart He'll never abandon me, and is always there to clean me up, and never holds it against me. That I'm loved, and that's it. I'm now reading stuff about how to love Him better, which means trusting that He'll lead me where He needs me to be. Oh, AND ive learnt the genius of Rob Lacey, Ian Henderson and Ems Hancock, anyone should read their books, no matter what you believe, there's something so truly light about them, without ever coming across as preachy. And hey, who knew, Christians can be funny ;]

Lis, i've done it :] I've got the picture of God back to how it should be, and got the Devil out. Really. And i can't thank you enough for helping me with that, you're insanely awesome!
I've got my New years resolutions tailored to being who i'm meant to be, and keeping my eyes focused where they should be, because I love Jesus, and i'm safe. I. Am. Safe, nothing can get me.