We Don't Owe Anyone A Fucking Explanation
(Blink 182- the Rock Show)
Date: September 11th
Grrrrrrr, I'm in the shitest of moods right now, seriously. I should be like, locked up with a hazard sign stamped on my forehead. I'm just so sick to death of everyone telling me who and what I should be, and do. I'm not you, not her, not them, and I won't be. Ever.
This jealous rage is insane, and like on a logical level, I know that. But I don't want to. It's getting to be so bad that I can't even look her in the eye without wanting to cry or break things.
The main thing behind all this incandescent rage is that I'm just feeling beyond disposable right now. To quote the queen of pop Beyonce, "I could have another you in a minute," its a pretty horrible feeling believing that it applies to yourself. But it's easy. I KNOW who I am, it's just I'm kind of stuck in this gap between who I was, and who I wan't to be, and I can't even begin to work out how to bridge it. I've lost this really good part of myself, and I'm not sure what it is, and that consequently means that I don't know how I can try and get it back. Which means I feel pretty much lost.
And this feeling that I'm so replacable makes me ache. It's like I am who I am, there's finally no level of pretence about it, but it turns out that person is average, mundane. And I'm not sure if I can stand it. I have nothing or no one that is exlcusively mine. I used to kid myself that writing/singing/fashion was mine, but I'm not alone in that, and I know it. Other people not only share the thing I love but can actually beat me at my own game. I don't begrudge them their talents, I just wish I had my own. Something to stand out at.
Because, clearly I'm a spotlight grabber.
With no stage.
Clearly also a melodramatic little bitch.
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