(Death Cab For Cutie- Summer Skin)
September 21st 2008
I'm guessing you can tell from my selection of the OC-sponsered "emo" that summer's officially been and gone having brought with it it's usual melée of tears, kisses and soft light, which has faded seamlessly into the hunt for an H&M winter coat, and me wearing about four layers to bed each evening.
The feeling of nostalgia for summer (and the realisation that this feeling of coldness -literal not metaphorical- will be here til about April) has left me in a bizarre mood all told.
And I miss him, really really miss him.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Tick Tock Time Away On An Hour Glass
(Tonight Is Goodbye- Maaaaan, I wanna say Brain, but don't quote me on that)
I feel like such a selfish little bint, writing the date for that I realised it was in fact 09/11 (if you're American, obviously) and all I did was whine and bitch about my insecurities. Oh dear, I still have a lot to learn huh?
But the main issue for this blog is that people are leaving. People have left. And I can't stand it.
Some I don't really know that well, and its just sad that I won't really get the oppertunity too, others are people I love to death, and I can't actually/really really don't want to imagine my life without them being a bus ride away from me. The thought of everyone starting their lives over somewhere fresh and new makes me want to cling to all the things I have here, now, that make me happy.
But stuff has to change for it to progress, right?
I just wish it wasn't happening when I've never felt less well equipped to deal with it.
I feel like such a selfish little bint, writing the date for that I realised it was in fact 09/11 (if you're American, obviously) and all I did was whine and bitch about my insecurities. Oh dear, I still have a lot to learn huh?
But the main issue for this blog is that people are leaving. People have left. And I can't stand it.
Some I don't really know that well, and its just sad that I won't really get the oppertunity too, others are people I love to death, and I can't actually/really really don't want to imagine my life without them being a bus ride away from me. The thought of everyone starting their lives over somewhere fresh and new makes me want to cling to all the things I have here, now, that make me happy.
But stuff has to change for it to progress, right?
I just wish it wasn't happening when I've never felt less well equipped to deal with it.
Seventeen Without A Purpose Or Direction
We Don't Owe Anyone A Fucking Explanation
(Blink 182- the Rock Show)
Date: September 11th
Grrrrrrr, I'm in the shitest of moods right now, seriously. I should be like, locked up with a hazard sign stamped on my forehead. I'm just so sick to death of everyone telling me who and what I should be, and do. I'm not you, not her, not them, and I won't be. Ever.
This jealous rage is insane, and like on a logical level, I know that. But I don't want to. It's getting to be so bad that I can't even look her in the eye without wanting to cry or break things.
The main thing behind all this incandescent rage is that I'm just feeling beyond disposable right now. To quote the queen of pop Beyonce, "I could have another you in a minute," its a pretty horrible feeling believing that it applies to yourself. But it's easy. I KNOW who I am, it's just I'm kind of stuck in this gap between who I was, and who I wan't to be, and I can't even begin to work out how to bridge it. I've lost this really good part of myself, and I'm not sure what it is, and that consequently means that I don't know how I can try and get it back. Which means I feel pretty much lost.
And this feeling that I'm so replacable makes me ache. It's like I am who I am, there's finally no level of pretence about it, but it turns out that person is average, mundane. And I'm not sure if I can stand it. I have nothing or no one that is exlcusively mine. I used to kid myself that writing/singing/fashion was mine, but I'm not alone in that, and I know it. Other people not only share the thing I love but can actually beat me at my own game. I don't begrudge them their talents, I just wish I had my own. Something to stand out at.
Because, clearly I'm a spotlight grabber.
With no stage.
Clearly also a melodramatic little bitch.
(Blink 182- the Rock Show)
Date: September 11th
Grrrrrrr, I'm in the shitest of moods right now, seriously. I should be like, locked up with a hazard sign stamped on my forehead. I'm just so sick to death of everyone telling me who and what I should be, and do. I'm not you, not her, not them, and I won't be. Ever.
This jealous rage is insane, and like on a logical level, I know that. But I don't want to. It's getting to be so bad that I can't even look her in the eye without wanting to cry or break things.
The main thing behind all this incandescent rage is that I'm just feeling beyond disposable right now. To quote the queen of pop Beyonce, "I could have another you in a minute," its a pretty horrible feeling believing that it applies to yourself. But it's easy. I KNOW who I am, it's just I'm kind of stuck in this gap between who I was, and who I wan't to be, and I can't even begin to work out how to bridge it. I've lost this really good part of myself, and I'm not sure what it is, and that consequently means that I don't know how I can try and get it back. Which means I feel pretty much lost.
And this feeling that I'm so replacable makes me ache. It's like I am who I am, there's finally no level of pretence about it, but it turns out that person is average, mundane. And I'm not sure if I can stand it. I have nothing or no one that is exlcusively mine. I used to kid myself that writing/singing/fashion was mine, but I'm not alone in that, and I know it. Other people not only share the thing I love but can actually beat me at my own game. I don't begrudge them their talents, I just wish I had my own. Something to stand out at.
Because, clearly I'm a spotlight grabber.
With no stage.
Clearly also a melodramatic little bitch.
Here's To The Fast Times, The Times We Felt Alive
DISCLAIMER: Due to my much restricted internet access in the last, like month (looooong story involving holiday and a house party that the 'rents discovered and has a very predictable ending) the dates that blogspot'll give these entries will make it seem like I'm up and down more than a prostitues knickers, and they are therefore void because I'll going to pretty much purge my little head in one massive go. They're all back dated, its not just one hell of a mood swing. Thought y'all should know!
September 6th
(the song quote from the title is once again All Time Low, and I'm considering marking it permanently with needles and ink somewhere on my person)
W.O.W (which mr barker- the talking dog from my favourite children's programme, if you don't remember him, shame on you!- used to say stood for 'weird or what'). Is pretty much the only way to describe last night. It was pretty much everything and anything I expected it to be, and then just a little bit more. For the record, I reckon the selection of people was perfect, or as near as damn it. The 'rents were out of town for the weekend, and I got so damn frustrated with everyone trying to force me to be grown up and responsible, that i figured I wanted to be as immature and irresponsible as possible, ergo house partaaaaaaay! Hellz yeah!
I'm not going to bore you wit encapsulating every little thing that went on, because there's really no point, those who need to know do, and those who don't shouldn't haha. Basically for me, bits were ben and jerry's awesome, and ended up with me getting what I wanted, and not regretting it, though it might make stuff to come even harder. If you're given an oppertunity, you'd be an idiot not to. Or I would be, as one of my pep talks informed me. Other bits worried and upset me, because of reasons too personal to blog about. But yeah, essentially there are moment I know I will rememeber forever, and I know there will be many parties, kisses, drama, but some I will never lose track of.
My holiday was pretty awesome truth be told, but I'm not sure how much I can really recall. Not in an over-indulgance-of-tequila-sunrises sort of way, more I think I want to leave it to photos and the freckles on my shoulders. Welcome to the new year, kiddos
September 6th
(the song quote from the title is once again All Time Low, and I'm considering marking it permanently with needles and ink somewhere on my person)
W.O.W (which mr barker- the talking dog from my favourite children's programme, if you don't remember him, shame on you!- used to say stood for 'weird or what'). Is pretty much the only way to describe last night. It was pretty much everything and anything I expected it to be, and then just a little bit more. For the record, I reckon the selection of people was perfect, or as near as damn it. The 'rents were out of town for the weekend, and I got so damn frustrated with everyone trying to force me to be grown up and responsible, that i figured I wanted to be as immature and irresponsible as possible, ergo house partaaaaaaay! Hellz yeah!
I'm not going to bore you wit encapsulating every little thing that went on, because there's really no point, those who need to know do, and those who don't shouldn't haha. Basically for me, bits were ben and jerry's awesome, and ended up with me getting what I wanted, and not regretting it, though it might make stuff to come even harder. If you're given an oppertunity, you'd be an idiot not to. Or I would be, as one of my pep talks informed me. Other bits worried and upset me, because of reasons too personal to blog about. But yeah, essentially there are moment I know I will rememeber forever, and I know there will be many parties, kisses, drama, but some I will never lose track of.
My holiday was pretty awesome truth be told, but I'm not sure how much I can really recall. Not in an over-indulgance-of-tequila-sunrises sort of way, more I think I want to leave it to photos and the freckles on my shoulders. Welcome to the new year, kiddos
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