"I Keep Telling Myself, Just Grow Up

it's so easy to say, but so much harder to do

It's time to kill this

There's no two ways about it

Ends today right here right now

But it's time I learn thatIt's not a matter

Of saying the right words or singing the right songs

My words and actions don't align

My heart is the victim of my mind

It's so old but it's not easy

To say goodbye to all this heartache

To just say no, just run away, endure pain

And suffocate every desire that hurts you

It's the only thing left to do"

(This Providence, To Kill This)

I'm finding now that words in fact, don't always come easy to me, that sometimes to get across whats playing and re-playing over and over in my mind takes time, takes effort. But luckily, (haha) right now I have both.

I have to change, again. I'm finding reality more and more challenging at the moment, ("I don't want realism, I want magic!") I hope I don't mean that in a crazy person way, it's more like I can see everyone around me are becoming, like adults, and I'm still here. I think I always will be, watching as people hurt, and trying like hell to pick up the pieces, and not to let them fall.

But it's reached that point now, that I don't even know how to do that. I've run out of ideas, and it seems that sometimes I'm fast running out of the strength for them (her) to borrow. I hope that I always have faith, but sometimes at the moment I'm finding even that pretty hard. It's not about how I feel, its more to do with the fact that I'm always so tangled up and lost in what everyone else feels.

Then there's the fear and it's metallic tang that I can always taste at the back of my throat. I don't think it'll ever go away, if I'm honest, but maybe thats a good thing? Yes it means potentially endless nights spent watching my phone in case it rings, and hours analysing people's every move, but at least it means that I won't have to wonder the countless what-if's I'd be faced with otherwise? Hmmm, it's debatable.

Growing up is a scary, scary concept, if I'm honest. In September, our last year at school commences, which means that people will start planning for university, and I'm gonna focus on music. But with a new year, means we'll face new challenges, doesn't it? And right now, I'm not sure that people's fragility can stand that. Truth be told, I think that's why I am so in love with my band. Because for those three minutes that we play our song, nothing else matters. There's only me and the music.