Hey Jealousy

Hey there mother fuckers...(sorry thats me paying homage to the truly amazing mark hoppus.)
this is gonna be a very weird one so im apologising in advance ..so heres whats going on inside my little head..I had a great time last night at the Judd shindig, though i really, really think the tequila shots may have been, perhaps unwise; especially when chased by equally unwise shots of vodka, and something that tasted like liquorice, with the beefster, who is officially my bgdmflob. damn straight.
but yeah, large parts of the evening have disappeared into a hazy mist of people and disco lights, but i do remember the bits i hope that matter, meeting new, exciting people; hanging with the bunch that i already know, and who mean the world, and maybe even the whole damn solar system to me. I also clearly recollect the bit were i was sitting on the edge of the boat, and it was just of those moments were you really know you're alive. Not in the sense that usually i have to check my pulse to find out, even I'm not that big an idiot, but its like you're acutely aware of all your senses, and the way the kind of throb in unison. Like the feel of the night air after a hot, sticky dancefloor, and the way the lights of the city as were went past meant that i couldn't stop thinking about 'the Great Gatsby.'
But after watching repetive one tree hill re-runs, im feeling really small. Like everything is moving so fast around me, and I'm struggling to breathe.
And in a way i forgot that sometimes i really need some time to myself. to kinda try and figure things out. But too much of that, being too much alone, makes me dwell on these couple of long term problem im having issues shaking off. Like i can't even control my own moods; and i cant be happy and smiley when evrything is wrong.
right now all i wanna do is hang out with my friends, listen to music and talk about guys, music, and bitch about the people that we'd love to be or the people who hate us.
.. also i dont get why the whole boy/girl thing has to be so comlicated.
and i hate that ive been writing a lot of songs, but even thats become hard now..it was my form of catharsism, but now thats been taken away too..

nothings easy anymore

although i do have my good friends that never fail to make me smile, and i'm gonna enjoy hanging out with em while I can.

So there it is

Also, the title has no relevance to the mood of the blog, it just came up on my shuffle.

This time we're not giving up

I'm guessing I've talked a lot about my dreams a lot here; but I've recently clocked that they mean so much to me, because they're all I have.

But if all we have are dreams, what happens if they aren't enough? What'll happen if they fade, and we fade with them? What or who do we turn to then, when we're left standing out in the rain, realising everything you though once could be possible has lead you a thousand miles south of where you want to be, and you've spent all your hope, like your matchsticks? Where do we find the strenght to carry on?

Leaving schools something I've looked forward to almost since I set foot in those corridors and classrooms that I tread on an almost daily basis. It's meant to be the start of your life! But its just hit me: what if these are the days of our lives, the times we'll miss the most when they're gone. Will we sit in the lonely corners of our room, too late at night with only balls of tissues for company, and your tea that's rapidly losing its heat? Will we too burn out and lose our fire? Or do you take the oppertunity to grab onto today with all the strength you have left?

Because, when it comes down to it, when it really counts, dreams are there to be followed. I don't believe that they can only lead to heartbreak and jadedness (I'm not even sure if that's a word to be honest). I can't, I won't let myself. It's when those "what if's" start to consume you that you notice you have two choices, your road is forked. One path leads to misery and cynicism. This one's called giving up. And if you ask me, and I'm right here in that place, I'm at those cross roads, it looks so damn easy. It means that if you never try, you can't fail. And it's that failure that I believe we're most afraid of, being left with only the broken dreams and crushed expectations that can occur if you risk everything.

But this other path, it's called hope. It's scary as hell, and it'll be hard to follow for sure. It means facing your fears head on, staring right into the eyes of confusion and self doubt, but doing so with a hand of dreams and swearing never to let them go. No matter how sucky it seems, giving them the oxygen to breathe and burn with integrity, faith and courage. And that's where you can find me. I've made myself that little promise never to surrender that spark of hope, that sometimes feels like its all I have left. I'll spend the rest of my days ankle deep in the undergrowth of the mess that'll inevitably occur when you chase these dumb dreams. It means that right now, all I can do is put that little bit of faith, all the things I love and all the hopes in my tired head into the hands of God, and trust that five years from now, all I can say definitely is that I won't have any regrets.

"I Keep Telling Myself, Just Grow Up

it's so easy to say, but so much harder to do

It's time to kill this

There's no two ways about it

Ends today right here right now

But it's time I learn thatIt's not a matter

Of saying the right words or singing the right songs

My words and actions don't align

My heart is the victim of my mind

It's so old but it's not easy

To say goodbye to all this heartache

To just say no, just run away, endure pain

And suffocate every desire that hurts you

It's the only thing left to do"

(This Providence, To Kill This)

I'm finding now that words in fact, don't always come easy to me, that sometimes to get across whats playing and re-playing over and over in my mind takes time, takes effort. But luckily, (haha) right now I have both.

I have to change, again. I'm finding reality more and more challenging at the moment, ("I don't want realism, I want magic!") I hope I don't mean that in a crazy person way, it's more like I can see everyone around me are becoming, like adults, and I'm still here. I think I always will be, watching as people hurt, and trying like hell to pick up the pieces, and not to let them fall.

But it's reached that point now, that I don't even know how to do that. I've run out of ideas, and it seems that sometimes I'm fast running out of the strength for them (her) to borrow. I hope that I always have faith, but sometimes at the moment I'm finding even that pretty hard. It's not about how I feel, its more to do with the fact that I'm always so tangled up and lost in what everyone else feels.

Then there's the fear and it's metallic tang that I can always taste at the back of my throat. I don't think it'll ever go away, if I'm honest, but maybe thats a good thing? Yes it means potentially endless nights spent watching my phone in case it rings, and hours analysing people's every move, but at least it means that I won't have to wonder the countless what-if's I'd be faced with otherwise? Hmmm, it's debatable.

Growing up is a scary, scary concept, if I'm honest. In September, our last year at school commences, which means that people will start planning for university, and I'm gonna focus on music. But with a new year, means we'll face new challenges, doesn't it? And right now, I'm not sure that people's fragility can stand that. Truth be told, I think that's why I am so in love with my band. Because for those three minutes that we play our song, nothing else matters. There's only me and the music.