i'm not sure if i want to even do this anymore
i'm so fricking sick of being second best
sorry

There's A Piece Of Me In Every Single Second

of every single day

if its true, tell me how we got this way

where are you now?

As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm writing you a symphony of sound

but it was you i was thinking of

(Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape)

Oh Andrew McMahon, I so love you.

After years of dedication to the wonderful Something Corporate- this? Sheer lyrical and compositional perfection. Call me musically immature but pop punk done this beautifully is breath taking. And moves exactly in synch to the beats of my heart right now.

See, there's a part of me that's trapped in the echos of what was or could have been for, well, I guess for everyone.

I think it was sparked by bumping into one of my childhood friends today, and seeing her with her baby for the first time. I mean, i can hardly pick out my own shoes in the morning, or decide what i want for breakfast let alone be responsible for raising and being depended on by another human being. Let me get this straight, i by no means am demonising the choices she's made, because I refuse to be cynical enough to believe that having a baby at seventeen means her life is over. I have every faith in the girl I once knew that she'll mature into greatness, whatever avenue that leads her down. It's just difficult to reconcile her as a nine year old girl whose bedroom I used to sit and we'd go on bubblegum chatrooms and play internet games involving puppies trying to cross a bridge with this mother i barely know. I just wish circumstances had let me talk to her, see how she's doing these days (i mean the immediate ones not the philosophical ones: i was going into the doctors office as she was 'checking in'. But as an added plus my blood test came back clean).

Then I got to thinking that all my former playground friends are actual people now, and I don't really know any of them anymore. It all just makes me a nostalgic kind of melancholy.

Equally, I think I'm jealous of two girls I barely know. This makes me sick.

Camomile tea and mentally spending my £100 deposit on my summer wishlist seems the only thing keeping me sane.

Someone Take Control Of Me

I am spinning in infinity

With my life its going endlessly from control

(Neutral Milk Hotel - Wishful Eyes)

I wish for simplicity.

I'm majorly over complicating things that are not meant to be complex or intricate.

Today I've eaten an entire roll of raw pastry and just cried whilst watching Gilmore Girls, which is a sure sign something isn't quite right with me. I think its a horrible cocktail of exam stress, jealousy, wondering if I've picked the right path, this hugely familiar itch that comes with being far too similar to someone I'm threatened by (on two separate counts this time) and the fact I can't sleep anymore.

I really don't like those people who just whinge constantly, but right now it just feels like I've been holding in a breath for a long time and I'm afraid to let it out; and whats worse is that I don't know why. Half hoping that this blood test demonstrates something that can actually be fixed, rather than providing more unanswerable questions.

Two rather beautiful things have appeared out of the misty haze though. I'm feeling closer to God than I have for ages, which i think is due to actually praying honestly last night for the first time since evening were getting dark about five; and finally having that realisation that its not about being perfect its about being brave enough to be candid. The other is that my passion for the little things that I truly love has been reignited. The buzz of discovering new music that sets you on fire, re-reading old issues of NYLON, photos from the getttyimages/flickr collection that i just adore (like the feet in the snow, or the bruised knees), nerding out over Stephen Fry in America and writing things again.

I cut myself in a proper fringe again this morning, but I'm now left with a dilemma; bitchin' fringe but my eyebrows (one of my better features) are hidden.

Oh, and Enter Shikari's new song makes me want to blitz my problems away on a dancefloor.

Thats Me In The Corner, Thats Me In The Spotlight

People losing faith makes me really sad

Lets Play Twister, Lets Play Risk

Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis? hey, baby,are we losing touch?

If you believed they put a man on the moon, man on the moon

If you believe there's nothing up my sleeve, then nothing is cool

(R.E.M - Man on the Moon)

Today's been amazing ♥

From the second of peeling back my covers, its been a bright one; I think fun and serenity have been the order of the day. Called the boy to ensure that he actually made it to his exam rather than sleeping through it, which (duh?) made me giggle and reminded me how much i missed him. And how lucky I am. Oh my gosh rediscovered how much i adore poetry (once again back to the book learning) and revision in the sunshine. I know i sound materialistic banging on about fashion and maybe i am a little. But shopping really IS the best, least scratchy kind of therapy. You don't even need to BUY anything, though the swing cut vest top with the Watership Down print is too adorable to leave on a shelf too long.

But onto the main point of the blog, basically toady's made me reconnect with an obvious truth.

That its the people who make this life worthwhile, isn't it?

I realise that this is either cheesy or pointless as they'll never read it, but i still want to let those people that matter the most know how amazing they are.

Elizabeth (Effy) Wilson We've been inseparable since the day i first say 'hello baby sister' I'm lucky enough to have a sister and an incredible friend in you simultaneously.

Jessica Laming For being the same person as me, without the awful sense of organisation and timing, being the only person I'd ever survive through guides and back to brownies with, and being the best dressed girl I've ever met.

Sophia Leader For being my absolute best friend since the year seven trip to Oswestry, and being that girl for me every time.

Eleanor Smith For manging to be wise and pant-wettingly funny in the same breath. You've been one of my favourite people since Izzys- BDMFL.

Victoria Keegan First ever friend at TGS, being as addicted to topshop as I am, and regular Knight English panics.

Sophie Brooks For evenings out (Hungry 4 Citrus) and evenings in, and being the only other person in 106 club.

Louise Skinner Because Mrs Keith-Lucas actually knew what she was talking about. And driving the car in which I've had to practice pelvic floor exercises.

Bethany Stephens For being the girl that I gossip with and who somehow manges to see through whatever walls i put up. Ginger rogers.

Kenneth Liu Because i cannot imagine you ever not being my friend, and a person who unfailingly is a great with the best music taste.

John Taylor Because you are the only person that HAS to be at a party otherwise it'll suck, and being the only person I've ever met to get an unconditional offer in Year Thirteen!

Rachid Coatsworth For making me laugh more than most can, being the wittiest person I know and finally playing me Electric Feel

BenFrancis For being brave enough to wear pink before it was cool to, and tearing up Oxford with a Mohawk.

Catherine Fry For being that girl I couldn't live without.

Imogen Buttery Because we buy the same shoes, crush on the same actors and hold the same morals. You've been there for me one too many times!

Charles James Boon For being the late night phone call guy, the Devil Wears Prada Guy, the tattoo guy, and for being voluntary family.

Louise Anderson For the rebel phase of 2006, being afraid of pigeons, the best girl to have at a party and the single most amusingly honest person in this world.

Stephen Downton For being the other Alkaline Trio obsessive and many summers of the SSC.

Liam Harrison For battenbergs, a summer trying to teach me to skate and Zebrahead.

Alicia Thompson For being the most bitchingly dressed voice of reason I've ever, ever come across. I love you more than I can verbalise.

Sabrina Kandoria Because sometimes these things bind us together forever. Baileys and Brighton girlie, Baileys and Brighton.

Jonathon Martin For the entire party holding back my hair and putting my tiara back on. And for being here for me even after everything we went through.

Oliver Mills For being inspirational in the extreme. Always a pleasure to sit next to, the people of Thailand are lucky to have you.

Joshua Sporle For evening spent wasted trying to climb out Katy's bathroom window, and the Vivaldi club remix.

Yew Jin Lee Because i still love you even though you actually beat me in our race

Sophie Sabin Pour être le seul autre qui n'a jamais remis ses devoirs dans les leçons de Mme Daniell. Je t'adore, l'année prochaine donnera un coup de pied quelques-uns.

Alix Hope Oh, they didn't deserve you anyway! She's the best and most persistent ravers i've ever met, and is one half of my all time favourite couples ever.

Adam Johnson For conversations about fat ex's, supposedly gay ex's and ex's ex's chest hair. Also for being one of the all time best boy huggers ever.

Gregory Pritchard Because he's the only boy who making golden syrup pancakes and repeatedly pouring wine on the floor with could ever be so funny seven months down the line. For putting up with my hissy fits, and being my best friend and my boyfriend in one person.

Clare Richards For being the only person I've ever met who is as obsessed with Hello Kitty and Luella as I am. Her faith is inspirationally lovely.

Josh Stribling/Harry Coezens For SH09 and actually completely getting me despite vastly differing opinions on the topic each morning.

So How Could You Say Those Things?

when you know they don't mean anything

(Taking Back Sunday - Bike Scene)

Oh wow, feeling less like a female version of the Hulk this morning (except less green and excess muscley, more 5"6 inches of jealousy, doubt and insecurity) I really do love my sister, our late night chats make me feel less shakily like an extra from an angsty scene from 90210.

That little voice in my head that tells me everythings going to be ok is actually winning out today. The sun is shining, pepsi max is on special offer and we're now onto back to back season one The OC marathons. Everything IS going to be alright.

Swimming Through Sick Lullabies

(The Killers- Mr Brightside)

Argh how can i be such a bitch sometimes?
Desperately pinning it down to hormones, and all sorts of horrible girly things. I feel horrible for feeling like I do, because it's not fair. None of it is.

I really, really wish I didn't care.