and i cannot control anything you feel, and that's the hardest part to deal with
cause for you, i'd do anything, i'd do everything
(Pretty much every single line of this song touched me beyond belief this week, its called meltdown, by Elissa Francheshi who sings more lovely than anyone should be able to)
Stuff is pretty rubbish right where i'm sat. I'm not sure how much longer i can watch people hurt, knowing that it really is nothing to do with me, but still manages to gut me, and leave me feeling hollow. I can't fix this, and that's what stings. Sorry for that miserable little prelude to my world this week, but it's pretty much all consuming right now.
I'm also sorry for my shocking lack of posts, but in earnest, i've been being lazy and there's not a whole lot i want to commit to memory by posting about it all for everyone to read. It's hopelessly messed. But there HAVE been good bits, they just kind of get buried under the layer of shit. But i'm going to focus on the shiny, nice bits for now, i don't want to make myself cry.
The band is slowly begininning to take over me, and i love it. I can get lost inside those songs, and know that at least two others in the room have the same feeling of a blissful lack of control. We've finalised our name change (shocking, i know, seeing as we've been procrastinating since about april haha), and it makes me happy to even say, "yeah, i sing in a band called Holden." Cause it's simple and beautiful. That pretty much sums up why i love music, the name, the band and anything even quasi-related. Eeeeeep, good to have something like that, that takes you out and away when you need it most. Her talent is amazing, though, and we've got big things to live up to, scary, but in the best way.
My relationship with my family is back on track again, which means so much more to me than i'd even begun to realise. They're my safety net, and yes, sometimes i do wish we were different, but honestly, can't complain. They're there, you know? And always will be. Also, friends have really made a difference to me, even thought they're currently messy and hurting, there are a few key players who can, and have, turned whole days around. There's the obvious, almost the givens, but never ever taken for granted, and i love them absolultey insane amounts. Which is why we have plans. Big, big plans =] And then there's about three people this week who I've realised are fast becoming like oxygen, she is actually the single sweetest girl you're ever likely to meet, for example, and people don't give her the level of consideration they should. Fact. And yes, i'm still missing those who went away, but i know we've got a solid bond, and they aint getting rid o'me that easily. And he just makes me happy. Yes its complicated, but i'm caring about the logisitics less and less.
And now i'm off to buy pre-mentioned winter coat, top up my supply of benetint lip stain, admire my boots and generally enjoy the loveliness of autumn.
Oh, and for the two of you that do this, don't worry about me. please! i'm truly, totally ok. I'm the strongest i've ever been, and i know i have both of you for the days i don't feel like little miss growth and repair.
