The Time Has Come For Colds and Overcoats

(Brand New-I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spinlight)



yikes! where actually did december go?! i could have sworn that literally a week ago it was new found glory [which was actually the 28th of november, but whatever...] but now fairy lights are on trees, presents (eeeeep!) are bought and wrapped and christmas is coming.

there isnt really a clear emotion that threads this post together, i just felt i should really committ something of decemeber to this, otherwise ive missed a month, and that will bug me relentlessly.
basically, theres some stufff going on that still needs sorting out, but other stuff going on that makes me happy. i truly cannot believe that we're all getting so cough, "adult." I dont mean that in a triple X rated way, more that i look at my friends who ive known since we were hiding in bins at lunch, discovering green day and though ra-ra skirts/octopus trousers/obscenely oversized cords from buddies would be cool forever, and now i see they've got this amazing future ahead of them, and they're fast becoming the people they're meant to be. i'm begining to think that we're actually ready for the shake up. one of my all time favourite people once wrote "change is scary, but i know that all the amazing things that are going to happen for us couldnt without it." so i'ma go with that for now.

By The Time I'd Caught My Breath, You'd Blossomed Into Something I Did Not Expect

(yes, it IS the same song as last time, but that line fits so beautifully)

Maaaaan, it snowed today, can you IMAGINE that?
Was the most awesome way to wake up, and it looked mighty purty! I am such a small child, but snow makes my heart palpitate a little bit.
Similar to a certain boy I know. Thats pretty much what the line is in reference to, because this is so much better than i'd thought it could be. I was so unprepared, which makes it a little scary. It was originally meant to be an "end of summer" thing, cause i dismissed the long distance thing as being something that just isn't for me. Like Japanese food, or coffee with milk. And now, yeah the distance sometimes evokes a little tear, cause it is hard, really hard, but equally worth it. It just seems to fit somehow, last night is kind of the perfect reflection of that. I've this weird (but hopefully endearing) tendancy to bounce between being of a similar mindset to my seven year old neighbour and thinking about the universe and all its charmingly dizzy intricacies, and he doesnt seem phased by it, in fact, could be argued that he encourages it. He makes me giggle, a lot and somehow makes me feel safe. It's weird, he's weird, and I'm not complaining.

I was in a horrible mood earlier, brought on myself admittedly, by watching THAT episode of the OC, and spending two hours alone, but tea and plain chocolate digestives have pulled myself out of it. There's negative she-y-ite going on, as always, but i cant be bothered to fixate on it anymore. I'm letting it go, and not letting it ruin the peachy aspects of life, cause its not worth it.
Though im craving a Brighton/Cardiff/Edinburgh trip and some girlie company, which is less easy to remedy...

Be My Little Rock and Roll Queen

(The Subways- Rock and Roll Queen)

I figured seeing as i end up writing on and on about music and how its my dream, I've decided to do this little thing all about the people i love, and who inspire the crap out of me. Also, having recently finished reading up about feminist literature and listening to the original riot grrl's bikini kill (even Kurt fell in love) I'm publishing my list of all time girl heroes. I try and tone down the overt girl power-ness, though i promise nothing!

Courtney Love

Everyone thinks that me citing this woman as probably my all time biggest influence is a little stange. It doesnt seem to line up, cause I'm a Christian, never really got the whole drugs thing and girls that use their tits to get peoples attention annoy the crap out of me; and shes pretty much the opposite. But thats pretty much public opinion. 'Dirty Blonde' dispells any myths about her, because her honesty is brave in the extreme. The list shes written of things to tell her daughter make me want her to be my older sister, aunt or generally mentor somehow. In short, her music is incredible, she is incredible, and dont try and feed me that bullcrap about her killing Kurt, cause i'll kick you with my point shoes. Then run...

Eva Spence

from Rolo Tomassi

The girl screams like something possessed and is actually the sweetest girl ive ever seen Katie Parsons interview.

Anyone who can flex their larynx whilst dancing and being quite frankly the best dressed chick in British music today deserves your respect.

Plus, the album (hysterics) kicks copious amounts of ass.

Hayley Williams

from Paramore

About two and a bit years ago, I all but fell in love with this girl.

Riot! to me is one of these records that you feel is writing about your life.
I can still relate to every song on there, and All We Know Is Falling is one of the most gorgeous albums ever. Seen the band live twice, and they never fail to rule.

Kitty Purry

(uhhhh, or you know, Katy Perry)

I think what i love/admire most about her (aside from the pig knickers, which make my liiiiife) is the unashamed sense of fun. She never seems to hold back, and there's something fresh and exciting about that. Like the angel egg costume on Halloween, only one girl could pull that off. And we all love her for it.

Plus her boyfriends just a little yummy.

Brody Dalle (Spinerette now, i guess)

The woman is sex. She is bold, fierce and just a little terrifying, and there is something incredibly strong about her. I can't imagine she'd be easy to be around, in any way what so ever, but she changed my life with her music. She pretty much forced me to play guitar, and for that, i'll owe her forever.

June Carter

It's her faith and stength of character I admire as well as her insane pipes. You just need to watch walk the line to see why she rules, and a little part of me wants to mimick her every move.

And if i ever shimmy out to Hendersonville, TN i'm sure as hell putting some flowers on her grave.

I was going to format the rest of them like this, but my teas gone cold and my bed is calling me, i might finish this later, but dont hold your breath.

Some others who have shown me the way include but are not limited to the following, Kathleen Hanna, Tobi Vail, Debbie Harry, Haley James-Scott, Alice Glass, Michelle Nolan. Seriously, I could talk about this forever, but i wont on here. Face to face, ask if you want a long winded chat about third wave feminism haha.

Although, it might be of interest to point out that my actual music hero is actually in possession of a penis...

Aaron Gillespie from Underoath.

Hmm, reading this back, there wasnt meant to be quite so strong a faintly lesbianic tone to this...

sunlight, sunshine, all for you my daisy

(the Maine- Daisy)
that band is dangerously close to winning over a large portion of my heart.
that song has just been added to the loveliest songs of all time list

Tonight should be amazinggg, im lucky enough to have one of the loveliest girlies who is my twin (seperated at birth, see?) and was sweet enough to let me borrow her dress, which pretty much takes beauty to new realms. Super, super excited

thats pretty much all i wanted to say, actually
blog lateerrrs
have a good 'un

Park that car, drop that bomb, sleep on the floor and dream about me...

(Anthems for a seventeen year old girl- Broken Social Scene)

I'd forgotten how much I adore BSS, was prompted by one of my very best friends changing her myspace profile song to the one i've just cited.
There is an undeniable connection between song and mood too, which is all kinds of conincidental.
I was asked yesterday why I haven't writen in a while, which sparked me thinking, i decided in the end its because i can't be arsed. Not in a i'm-giving-up-blogging thing, which i did debate, but ultimately decided against. It's more stuff is sort of static at the moment. You know when plate tectonics on a fault line just don't do anything for long periods? (I'm getting to the connection between lyrics and state of mind, bare with me) That's sort of how I'm feeling. Like, watching everything around me, and I can see these huge, massive, immeasurable changes that have happened and people keep reminding me of. In the same conversation where someone I'm proud to be able to call a friend asked me why this has remained unaltered by new posts, he (I'm not sure if he meant to) got me thinking about who I was this time last year. Everything is different. I don't think i really even look the same anymore, I don't feel the same. This isn't really a good or bad thing, its just bizarre. And what's more, there's this fast-advancing state of flux coming up, a social upheaval, that it seems some are more ready for than others. But now, there is nothing. This, again, is nothing horrible, I'm just anxious and restless simaultaneously.
I'm actually re-evaluating stuff now, with one eye on the future, wondering what/who I want around me when this earthquake (sticking with the geographical metaphor) actually hits.
The song that i've been listening to on repeat for the past hour or so, is innately linked to one of my favourite books, the always amazing Sarra Manning's Let's Get Lost (i know that Imy'll have picked up the reference within a split second of reading the title). I'm in quite an Isabel Clarke-ish place right now, except without Brighton as my back drop and the emotional baggage.
I'm feeling whimsical, and have decided to deal by focusing on things I love, and making a whole new set of dreams (focused mainly on Paris and those brown plaid Rocket Dog boots)and ultimately, this blog is my way of being my own heroine, so to speak.
I think this is what autumn and UCAS have done to me.

I cannot control anything but me, even that is hard to do and i can barely breathe

and i cannot control anything you feel, and that's the hardest part to deal with

cause for you, i'd do anything, i'd do everything

(Pretty much every single line of this song touched me beyond belief this week, its called meltdown, by Elissa Francheshi who sings more lovely than anyone should be able to)

Stuff is pretty rubbish right where i'm sat. I'm not sure how much longer i can watch people hurt, knowing that it really is nothing to do with me, but still manages to gut me, and leave me feeling hollow. I can't fix this, and that's what stings. Sorry for that miserable little prelude to my world this week, but it's pretty much all consuming right now.

I'm also sorry for my shocking lack of posts, but in earnest, i've been being lazy and there's not a whole lot i want to commit to memory by posting about it all for everyone to read. It's hopelessly messed. But there HAVE been good bits, they just kind of get buried under the layer of shit. But i'm going to focus on the shiny, nice bits for now, i don't want to make myself cry.

The band is slowly begininning to take over me, and i love it. I can get lost inside those songs, and know that at least two others in the room have the same feeling of a blissful lack of control. We've finalised our name change (shocking, i know, seeing as we've been procrastinating since about april haha), and it makes me happy to even say, "yeah, i sing in a band called Holden." Cause it's simple and beautiful. That pretty much sums up why i love music, the name, the band and anything even quasi-related. Eeeeeep, good to have something like that, that takes you out and away when you need it most. Her talent is amazing, though, and we've got big things to live up to, scary, but in the best way.

My relationship with my family is back on track again, which means so much more to me than i'd even begun to realise. They're my safety net, and yes, sometimes i do wish we were different, but honestly, can't complain. They're there, you know? And always will be. Also, friends have really made a difference to me, even thought they're currently messy and hurting, there are a few key players who can, and have, turned whole days around. There's the obvious, almost the givens, but never ever taken for granted, and i love them absolultey insane amounts. Which is why we have plans. Big, big plans =] And then there's about three people this week who I've realised are fast becoming like oxygen, she is actually the single sweetest girl you're ever likely to meet, for example, and people don't give her the level of consideration they should. Fact. And yes, i'm still missing those who went away, but i know we've got a solid bond, and they aint getting rid o'me that easily. And he just makes me happy. Yes its complicated, but i'm caring about the logisitics less and less.

And now i'm off to buy pre-mentioned winter coat, top up my supply of benetint lip stain, admire my boots and generally enjoy the loveliness of autumn.

Oh, and for the two of you that do this, don't worry about me. please! i'm truly, totally ok. I'm the strongest i've ever been, and i know i have both of you for the days i don't feel like little miss growth and repair.

The Night You Left I Came Over, We Peeled The Freckles From Our Shoulders

(Death Cab For Cutie- Summer Skin)
September 21st 2008

I'm guessing you can tell from my selection of the OC-sponsered "emo" that summer's officially been and gone having brought with it it's usual melée of tears, kisses and soft light, which has faded seamlessly into the hunt for an H&M winter coat, and me wearing about four layers to bed each evening.
The feeling of nostalgia for summer (and the realisation that this feeling of coldness -literal not metaphorical- will be here til about April) has left me in a bizarre mood all told.

And I miss him, really really miss him.

Tick Tock Time Away On An Hour Glass

(Tonight Is Goodbye- Maaaaan, I wanna say Brain, but don't quote me on that)

I feel like such a selfish little bint, writing the date for that I realised it was in fact 09/11 (if you're American, obviously) and all I did was whine and bitch about my insecurities. Oh dear, I still have a lot to learn huh?

But the main issue for this blog is that people are leaving. People have left. And I can't stand it.
Some I don't really know that well, and its just sad that I won't really get the oppertunity too, others are people I love to death, and I can't actually/really really don't want to imagine my life without them being a bus ride away from me. The thought of everyone starting their lives over somewhere fresh and new makes me want to cling to all the things I have here, now, that make me happy.
But stuff has to change for it to progress, right?
I just wish it wasn't happening when I've never felt less well equipped to deal with it.

Seventeen Without A Purpose Or Direction

We Don't Owe Anyone A Fucking Explanation
(Blink 182- the Rock Show)
Date: September 11th

Grrrrrrr, I'm in the shitest of moods right now, seriously. I should be like, locked up with a hazard sign stamped on my forehead. I'm just so sick to death of everyone telling me who and what I should be, and do. I'm not you, not her, not them, and I won't be. Ever.
This jealous rage is insane, and like on a logical level, I know that. But I don't want to. It's getting to be so bad that I can't even look her in the eye without wanting to cry or break things.

The main thing behind all this incandescent rage is that I'm just feeling beyond disposable right now. To quote the queen of pop Beyonce, "I could have another you in a minute," its a pretty horrible feeling believing that it applies to yourself. But it's easy. I KNOW who I am, it's just I'm kind of stuck in this gap between who I was, and who I wan't to be, and I can't even begin to work out how to bridge it. I've lost this really good part of myself, and I'm not sure what it is, and that consequently means that I don't know how I can try and get it back. Which means I feel pretty much lost.
And this feeling that I'm so replacable makes me ache. It's like I am who I am, there's finally no level of pretence about it, but it turns out that person is average, mundane. And I'm not sure if I can stand it. I have nothing or no one that is exlcusively mine. I used to kid myself that writing/singing/fashion was mine, but I'm not alone in that, and I know it. Other people not only share the thing I love but can actually beat me at my own game. I don't begrudge them their talents, I just wish I had my own. Something to stand out at.

Because, clearly I'm a spotlight grabber.
With no stage.
Clearly also a melodramatic little bitch.

Here's To The Fast Times, The Times We Felt Alive

DISCLAIMER: Due to my much restricted internet access in the last, like month (looooong story involving holiday and a house party that the 'rents discovered and has a very predictable ending) the dates that blogspot'll give these entries will make it seem like I'm up and down more than a prostitues knickers, and they are therefore void because I'll going to pretty much purge my little head in one massive go. They're all back dated, its not just one hell of a mood swing. Thought y'all should know!

September 6th
(the song quote from the title is once again All Time Low, and I'm considering marking it permanently with needles and ink somewhere on my person)

W.O.W (which mr barker- the talking dog from my favourite children's programme, if you don't remember him, shame on you!- used to say stood for 'weird or what'). Is pretty much the only way to describe last night. It was pretty much everything and anything I expected it to be, and then just a little bit more. For the record, I reckon the selection of people was perfect, or as near as damn it. The 'rents were out of town for the weekend, and I got so damn frustrated with everyone trying to force me to be grown up and responsible, that i figured I wanted to be as immature and irresponsible as possible, ergo house partaaaaaaay! Hellz yeah!

I'm not going to bore you wit encapsulating every little thing that went on, because there's really no point, those who need to know do, and those who don't shouldn't haha. Basically for me, bits were ben and jerry's awesome, and ended up with me getting what I wanted, and not regretting it, though it might make stuff to come even harder. If you're given an oppertunity, you'd be an idiot not to. Or I would be, as one of my pep talks informed me. Other bits worried and upset me, because of reasons too personal to blog about. But yeah, essentially there are moment I know I will rememeber forever, and I know there will be many parties, kisses, drama, but some I will never lose track of.

My holiday was pretty awesome truth be told, but I'm not sure how much I can really recall. Not in an over-indulgance-of-tequila-sunrises sort of way, more I think I want to leave it to photos and the freckles on my shoulders. Welcome to the new year, kiddos

I Got One Good Reason To Keep You On Your Feet

That. Freaking. Song
I have fallen head over heels in love with it. I hope all of you had the good sense to pre-order "Take Off Your Colours" and get this as a freebie. You'd be an idiot not too!

But anyways, I figured I'd update this, because I dont want any of the people I love to worry about me, cause I appreciate that the earlier one has seven shades of angst painted throughout it, but I'm ok. Realllllyyyy!

Went for a drive through the rain, which was actually more theraputic than I can begin to explain, and then got home to a postcard from Charlie (aka my 'brother'/favourite boy) which has put me in a giggly mood again. Plus, Neros in like three hours for what I suspect to be a delicious girlie chat.
On that note, I'll add that Brighton was one of the best days ever, yet again. Shopping with lovely Lis (who is a baaaaad influence on my already charming tendancies to buy more than I should), chatting and Beef making me laugh til I was one pelvic floor exercise away from wetting myself. Then deciding that swimming would be a good idea, and getting the lifeguards to guard our clothes, while we changed into our recently purchased Primark Sale bikinis, with the chick with cool tattoos letting us into the restaurant's little storeroom to prevent perverts having a field day. Then skinny jeans boy (wink wink) and cutting my feet, Subways cookies we were blackmailed into buying, and me getting changed at home getting the fright of my life when three (!) stones fell out of my bikini bottoms. Seriously, it rocked my world.
Not the fact I'd been sitting on pebbles the whole trek home, more a lovely day out with some of my favourites.
Just to clear that up...

Arran rocked, as always, I'm pretty damn lucky to be closer to my cousins than a lot of people are to their siblings, because it just adds to the splendour of the vay-kay-shion. I actually laughed til I cried. The look on Suzie's face when my Granny was arranging her a marriage, or my mud freckles, being discouraged from paddling in my tights, "look at me I'm playing E" (which no one else will ever appreciate how freaking funny that was), and bucket loads of memories that will never fail to raise a smile.

Plus, I survived the journey home alone. Though I worry myself, because my tendanices for lying to strangers went one better, with me faking a Bristol accent, to make this specific story more plausible (that I lived in the city of wotsits -Mock the Week anyone?- and was just considering my options for college). You should try it, it's funny as fuck.

And now, almost everyone is home, and I'm hoping we can party this week, to forget the rubbish that will be results day.

Also, those who leave me comments on these, I fugging love youuuu

If It's Not Keeping You Up Night, Then What's The Point?

Well, I'm back from kicking it at the seaside in a tiny Island that's both ingrained in my past, and I'm positive will still be a part of my future. And to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about being home.

It's taken all night, one Graham Greene adaption film; two shitty fashion magazines and the new, exclusive You Me At Six track to help me find a slightly sunnier dispositon and its still a little shaky, if I'm honest.
I'm so sick to death of doing the heart-on-your-sleeve 'my life is so sucky' post, because I'm actually a little pissed off, I'm such a cliche. My life does NOT suck, I'm sure of that; I'm just bored of everything being so complicated in the crappy way. At this moment, I'm still smarting from realising how painfully stupid I am.
I just feel that I've made a total fool of myself for believing that he might care. When it's so blindingly obvious that this will not work. And for reference, I don't actually want to talk about this. Ever. So please don't ask, because I will blush then go all fidgety and quiet, so if it comes up, change the subject. Because my throbbing head doesn't need the broken record changing pitch.

Also, feeling like the shitiest sister ever, and all the waves of guilt and shame that this has brought are funfunfun. There was originally a reason for this, but I'm struggling to recall what that was. It seems that it's only now, i'm understanding the importance of family. That they're really, really important hahaha.

I feel like I should add some positive spin to this (there is loads, involving me and my cousin getting chatted up by Hulk Hogan, team joby, my dad's adventure to name but a few) and I'm sure I will probably be back later today, but right now, I don't have the energy

It's Getting Hot Inside Your Head Tonight

Maaaaaaan stuff doesn't appear to be slowing down for me any time soon, and I have to say, I like it =]

I've suddenly been inundated with a flourish of my own creativity, which, quite frankly rules, as I haven't been writing like this for far too long! It's about three in the morning, I've been writing since about eleven, whilst reading 'The Bell Jar' interspersed with 'The Bonfire of the Vanities' as me and book-monogamy is an unthinkable concept.
But anyone else been watching the thunderstorms tonight?!
About two years ago, a dear dear friend of mine asked me what the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was, and tonight I think i found my answer; the sky over mine was like this rich plum velvet, and then every so often my entire horizon was illuminated by this blinding flash of white, and I was absolutely captivated.

Hope everyone's having a happy August, I'll post something more substansial soon,
this is just me chronicling my pure wonder at nature, I'll do some 'feelings' schmuck soon haha

anyways, Brighton tomorrow, should be ace

Here's To Living In The Moment, Cause It Passed

Time is bloody bizzare concepty-shebang isn't it?

Very, very weirded out by the ticking hands of clocks and chaging pages of calenders as I type this.

(I SWEAR i get crazier and crazier the more I write..and yet if I stop we face the prementioned dribbling, burbling away to myself predicament)

How can it go so damn fast when you're busy clinging to stolen moments, and trying to force and cajoul fate into doing what you want for a change...and yet when you're collecting old men's sweaty pint glasses or re-filling ketchup trays it seems possible that it could go on f.o.r.e.v.e.r?
Because it does, and yes that was a scarely guilded reference both to my irratating personal situation and how much i loathe being a waitress. AND I get bloody minimum wage. (can't allude to the much juicier "personal" shiz online, for you know, my privacy/dignity?) Agrjgfitrekyfkjykf seems to be the only word appropriate.

It just seems wailingly unfair that what I have decided i do really want is neither possible nor practical, and yes I do appreciate that in a month or so when I read this back, it wont even matter, or at least won't sting quite like it does right now, but presently I deemed it worthy of having a little weep and comforting cup of char over these four days I have left. But fret not, after my lovely phonecall with one of my girlies, the prospect of an H&M dress (preferrably the faux Luella one I've been waiting since like November for them to copy...but at this stage, if its pretty and I like it, I'm sold), some alcofroliks and a little of that precious time, four days could change everything.

This whole change just seems like it's going to uproot everyone and everything, and right now, I cannot see the benefits, just the crappy end of the stick. Which totally sucks. All we need is one more year. Or in saying that, am I secretly wishing I could have this one back, and make my decisions all over? I'm not sure, but all I know is that I am fighting time, and we all know that I cant win that one.

But look on the brightside, at least I'm not things thingyson from 'My Strange Brain' on the magnificent channel Five that really does try to educate the nation, who can't remember anything more than three minutes, and in a way is constantly trapped in the present. And maaaaaan, I bitch about my issues now?

On the flip, last night was ace. But I can't have it back either.

I'm going to shut up now, have a good 'un.

Figure It Out [Girl] You're Tripping

Well, here's my song for today's mood
All Time Low's Stay Awake (dreams only last for a night)

I could basically have used pretty much any and every line from that song for this blog, cause its pretty appropriate. The gossip on songmeanings.net (come drop a comment, on the band page I'm about to set up) suggests that Alex said that its about Peter Pan, and never wanting to grow up. Hence the quote, cause thats where I am right now. Not in like a Blance Dubois kind of way, as in desperately clinging to my fast fading youth, it's more like I don't want to have to be responsible.

The issue of the last blog have started to resolve themselves, but not in a buried under the carpet sort of way, it's more like I've resolved to try and stop being so self involved, and start focusing on the amazing people around me (who I'm totally going to start referring to as the lost boys..though that's techincally inaccurate)
They've all totally blown my mind this week, in the best way imaginable.

PS. If you haven't already get yourself the Kids in Glass Houses record, you will NOT regret it

I Ran Out Of Words To Take Your Breath Away

I'm going to try and compose this, but it's kinda difficult to write when your hands are shaking. So, here it goes.

A good friend of mine has just shocked me into taking a good, hard look at myself. And i really don't like what it is she's shown me. See, I'm actually pretty selfish, and self pitying. About two weeks ago, I spotted there's a couple of shitty characteristics I have, and am trying to strip myself of, but i'm finding it harder than I thought it would be. See, I get bored and change stuff around in my life a lot, but the one thing I've always prided myself on was being a good friend. But maybe I'm not. Maybe, it was all for a selfish purpose? It's pretty complicated, because I wrap myself up in these layers but I always figured that I was good at being there for people, that regardless of not being enough in any other respect, I was a good person.

But maybe I'm not. I don't know anyone else who has had, now six of their closest friends tell them that you aren't worth their time and they don't want to be your friend anymore. It's quite an eye opener really, in the crappiest way you can imagine. So I guess while I'm on this topic, I'm going to pick myself apart
I get eaten up with jealousy, sometimes. Really I do. It gets to the point that I can't even look certain people in the eye, because it just hurts. It's stupid because they are the loveliest people, so there is no reason for me to do it, but I do. And then there's this feeling of never being enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not nice enough, not fun enough. And then this whole debacle has only added fuel to the fire of self doubt that was already going pretty nicely without it. Ick.

Long day ahead people.
I'm in this mood, and its only 11.45
Here we go again

Here Come's The Promise Of Summer

Ok, so i'm back from the almost journal/blog-free month I've just had, and my musings regarding the whole write-your-life-online-for-the-whole-world-to-see/judge-it catharthis are now threefold.

1) I actually miss it when I dont write for a while: not to mention these blogs have become even more illiterate and time consuming, so seeing as I am still attempting to scrape my way to A's in English, I should probably keep this up.

2) If I DONT write: I gradually become crazier and crazier, so unless I decided that walking around talking to myself like a loon (maybe with a bit of dribble going on?) is the way to go: I should probably keep this up, even if only for my delicate sanity.

3) One of my best girls checks this page religiously, and I love her (even more so with the buying of the book, which actually meant the worrrrrrld to me) so this one is for herrr



Summer is well and truly here, which should mean ice cream, sun cream and strawberries & cream amongst other things, but as this IS the UK, it's more likely to mean umbrellas, bitten legs and rainy beaches. But that's really ok, cause after listening to the wonderful Alphaville's track 'Forever Young' I've decided that living in the moment really is the best plan you can have. There aint no point in worrying about what you can't control. So over the past month(ish) I've literally thrown myself headfirst into having fun, and it hit me last night, while I was watching the shadows climb the walls, i'm actually really happy right now. And yes, I know whenever anyone writes that, everyone reading cringes and hides their face in their hands, because that one sentence can have hellish repercussions, as it just seems likes it's tempting fate.

But I don't care anymore. I reckon Cyndi Lauper was bang on the money, girls just want to have fun! Well, that's not all we want, but it's fo shiz top five, right? Life is way to short to spend it freaking out even when stuff is good because it can all turn around in lightning speed (hmmm sounds like a good song title ahaha) because then you lose the moments where things can go right and it makes the shitty stuff easier to handle.

Our band have recently played two shows to very different crowds. The show at the Forum gave me butterflies in a way previously only managed by boy shapes with lovely cheekbones. So many of our idols had played there, it was just insane. The actual set was plagued with technical problems, but people were so damn positive, it made me see the whole debacle in a new light (which may actually have been more to do with the ludicrus number of glowsticks/UV lights going on). The rest of the evening was rather enjoyable, if you managed to free yourself from the drama that always seems to linger hand in hand with any night outs with us...But it was a giggle, no harm, no foul right?

The second show was amazing in a totally different way, see we had literally one of our friends with us, which is usually what hypes us up before we go on, and i was (i aint gonna lie to ya) about five deep breaths away from free falling into a MAJOR hissy fit, because I was under the illusion that my family had stood me up. (They hadn't, and seeing my sister right at the front singing the words with me actually had be verging on tears) The band we were with were fucking fantastic, and made us that little bit more nervous. But we rocked it, and I actually loved it. The after show was even better, with us and Beef, the true fan =], making our first track for out hiphop side project, and generally laughing like goons.

I don't actually think there was a specific "theme" for this post, though maybe that would have made it more coherent, and readable..hmmm

laterssss

Hey Jealousy

Hey there mother fuckers...(sorry thats me paying homage to the truly amazing mark hoppus.)
this is gonna be a very weird one so im apologising in advance ..so heres whats going on inside my little head..I had a great time last night at the Judd shindig, though i really, really think the tequila shots may have been, perhaps unwise; especially when chased by equally unwise shots of vodka, and something that tasted like liquorice, with the beefster, who is officially my bgdmflob. damn straight.
but yeah, large parts of the evening have disappeared into a hazy mist of people and disco lights, but i do remember the bits i hope that matter, meeting new, exciting people; hanging with the bunch that i already know, and who mean the world, and maybe even the whole damn solar system to me. I also clearly recollect the bit were i was sitting on the edge of the boat, and it was just of those moments were you really know you're alive. Not in the sense that usually i have to check my pulse to find out, even I'm not that big an idiot, but its like you're acutely aware of all your senses, and the way the kind of throb in unison. Like the feel of the night air after a hot, sticky dancefloor, and the way the lights of the city as were went past meant that i couldn't stop thinking about 'the Great Gatsby.'
But after watching repetive one tree hill re-runs, im feeling really small. Like everything is moving so fast around me, and I'm struggling to breathe.
And in a way i forgot that sometimes i really need some time to myself. to kinda try and figure things out. But too much of that, being too much alone, makes me dwell on these couple of long term problem im having issues shaking off. Like i can't even control my own moods; and i cant be happy and smiley when evrything is wrong.
right now all i wanna do is hang out with my friends, listen to music and talk about guys, music, and bitch about the people that we'd love to be or the people who hate us.
.. also i dont get why the whole boy/girl thing has to be so comlicated.
and i hate that ive been writing a lot of songs, but even thats become hard now..it was my form of catharsism, but now thats been taken away too..

nothings easy anymore

although i do have my good friends that never fail to make me smile, and i'm gonna enjoy hanging out with em while I can.

So there it is

Also, the title has no relevance to the mood of the blog, it just came up on my shuffle.

This time we're not giving up

I'm guessing I've talked a lot about my dreams a lot here; but I've recently clocked that they mean so much to me, because they're all I have.

But if all we have are dreams, what happens if they aren't enough? What'll happen if they fade, and we fade with them? What or who do we turn to then, when we're left standing out in the rain, realising everything you though once could be possible has lead you a thousand miles south of where you want to be, and you've spent all your hope, like your matchsticks? Where do we find the strenght to carry on?

Leaving schools something I've looked forward to almost since I set foot in those corridors and classrooms that I tread on an almost daily basis. It's meant to be the start of your life! But its just hit me: what if these are the days of our lives, the times we'll miss the most when they're gone. Will we sit in the lonely corners of our room, too late at night with only balls of tissues for company, and your tea that's rapidly losing its heat? Will we too burn out and lose our fire? Or do you take the oppertunity to grab onto today with all the strength you have left?

Because, when it comes down to it, when it really counts, dreams are there to be followed. I don't believe that they can only lead to heartbreak and jadedness (I'm not even sure if that's a word to be honest). I can't, I won't let myself. It's when those "what if's" start to consume you that you notice you have two choices, your road is forked. One path leads to misery and cynicism. This one's called giving up. And if you ask me, and I'm right here in that place, I'm at those cross roads, it looks so damn easy. It means that if you never try, you can't fail. And it's that failure that I believe we're most afraid of, being left with only the broken dreams and crushed expectations that can occur if you risk everything.

But this other path, it's called hope. It's scary as hell, and it'll be hard to follow for sure. It means facing your fears head on, staring right into the eyes of confusion and self doubt, but doing so with a hand of dreams and swearing never to let them go. No matter how sucky it seems, giving them the oxygen to breathe and burn with integrity, faith and courage. And that's where you can find me. I've made myself that little promise never to surrender that spark of hope, that sometimes feels like its all I have left. I'll spend the rest of my days ankle deep in the undergrowth of the mess that'll inevitably occur when you chase these dumb dreams. It means that right now, all I can do is put that little bit of faith, all the things I love and all the hopes in my tired head into the hands of God, and trust that five years from now, all I can say definitely is that I won't have any regrets.

"I Keep Telling Myself, Just Grow Up

it's so easy to say, but so much harder to do

It's time to kill this

There's no two ways about it

Ends today right here right now

But it's time I learn thatIt's not a matter

Of saying the right words or singing the right songs

My words and actions don't align

My heart is the victim of my mind

It's so old but it's not easy

To say goodbye to all this heartache

To just say no, just run away, endure pain

And suffocate every desire that hurts you

It's the only thing left to do"

(This Providence, To Kill This)

I'm finding now that words in fact, don't always come easy to me, that sometimes to get across whats playing and re-playing over and over in my mind takes time, takes effort. But luckily, (haha) right now I have both.

I have to change, again. I'm finding reality more and more challenging at the moment, ("I don't want realism, I want magic!") I hope I don't mean that in a crazy person way, it's more like I can see everyone around me are becoming, like adults, and I'm still here. I think I always will be, watching as people hurt, and trying like hell to pick up the pieces, and not to let them fall.

But it's reached that point now, that I don't even know how to do that. I've run out of ideas, and it seems that sometimes I'm fast running out of the strength for them (her) to borrow. I hope that I always have faith, but sometimes at the moment I'm finding even that pretty hard. It's not about how I feel, its more to do with the fact that I'm always so tangled up and lost in what everyone else feels.

Then there's the fear and it's metallic tang that I can always taste at the back of my throat. I don't think it'll ever go away, if I'm honest, but maybe thats a good thing? Yes it means potentially endless nights spent watching my phone in case it rings, and hours analysing people's every move, but at least it means that I won't have to wonder the countless what-if's I'd be faced with otherwise? Hmmm, it's debatable.

Growing up is a scary, scary concept, if I'm honest. In September, our last year at school commences, which means that people will start planning for university, and I'm gonna focus on music. But with a new year, means we'll face new challenges, doesn't it? And right now, I'm not sure that people's fragility can stand that. Truth be told, I think that's why I am so in love with my band. Because for those three minutes that we play our song, nothing else matters. There's only me and the music.

You Dance Like It's Your Job

I've recently realised that the two posts I've just added are rather melancholic, and may give the impression that I'm like this permanent misery chick, so I figure I'll add this one to disprove the theory.
( Hmmm, I'm now wishing that all geeks could be as cute as Leonard in the Big Bang Theory, cause itd make life that little bit more fun, really, wouldn't it?)

The title was picked because i love that band and song (ATL if anyone's wondering?) but I also love to dance. Really, everyone should try it: if you have the privelege of getting the house to yourself, crank Forever The Sickest Kids IDKAYBICTFD and just do it! I realise that excluding the three hours of private hell, that I am not, and will never go into, the party on Wednesday was amazeee. Really, my best friends, 'my' rather ace hat, loud music, laughter, disecting every beatles record ever made, and those conversations that occur at like four in the morning, that aren't really about anything, but just make you smile. You've gotta grab onto those moments, truly, cause in the end there what being a teenager, hell being a person are all about.

However, in the UK, not being able to drive til you turn seventeen can be a little bit problematic, cause I felt like such a tramp on the way home; due to brushing my teeth in the station bathroom and reading 'the Acid House' by Irvine Welsh- which I would totally recommend, because its great, in a sicken-you-to-the-pit-of-your-stomach, masochistic sort of way- earned me some mighty strange sideways glances from the communters on the train at nine in the morning (afternoon). Worth every second, really.

I aslo love phonecalls from my friends, as today I've had three, and they make me happy.
Right now, I'm contenting myself, with mushroom burgers (which are actually much nicer than they sound) and pasta, painting my nails taxi-cab yellow and watching SATC re-runs.
Ahhhhh life is good.

"I've gone for too long, living like I'm not alive..

so i'm going to start over tonight, begininning with you and I"
(Paramore, Miracle!)

Isn't it strange how sometimes, when everything around you feels like its moving so fast, and you're the only thing thats stationary, you can take such strength, such hope from another persons words?

Weirder still, is that the words that woke me up (i mean that in a metaphorical way, just to clear any confusion) are those belonging to someone i don't even actually know? Not in a crazy way, but I was just walking in the fields right by the pile of bricks that I call home, and I just felt really lost. It was like even though everything around me was stuff I've known for nearly nine years now, yet it almost seemed that I was a stranger to it and to myself. This year to me has been all about quote, unquote self discovery. And I've made such progress in that I'm actually figuring out who I am and what I want, which is so different to who others think I am, and what they want for/ from me. I feel that being myself isn't quite as scary as I thought, and that the mask has slipped a little more from my face. But also, I'm embracing change. Change is good, really, believe me, it is. I've changed, and in that moment of faithlessness, it kind of hit me that I'm not done yet. So in a sense, I'm starting over again.
Ive got rid (hopefully for the last time) of all these bad habits that stick and hover around me like I'm decomposing. I'm moving on, and this time, i'm not afraid to explain what I feel, and not to bury that underneath a happy face. Tomorrow, I'm taking a black sack to my room, and donating anything that needs to go to a charity shop. Hopefully getting a haircut sometime in the next few weeks, and going shopping too.

Its just hit me how strange (that's like the hundreth time I've used that word in this) it is that I link inner change to outer appearance. Cause everything something snaps and mends within me, I want people to be able to SEE that I'm not quite the same as I was before.

So in a ridiculously long-winded, self explore-y kinda way, this is both a thank you to the incredible Hayley Williams for writing down words that have resonated in my life, and kind of a prayer that somehow my words could do the same, someday.

Her Middle Name Was Boom...

...let me introduce myself.

To start, these blogs should really be read while listening to:
-Cute Is What We Aim For: Finger Twist and Split
-Chiodos: Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face)
-The Audition: Hell To Sell
-Breathe Carolina:Diamonds
-All Time Low: Jasey Rae
-Paramore:Decoy
because thats pretty much what I'll always be listening too, so it kinda figures.

Renowned psycologist Carol Gilligan once said "half of all adults cant even remeber five concrete moments form their adolescence, the other half will remeber some of the most painful, awkward moments of your entire life." I learnt this from reading the intro to possibly the best book ever written, The Outsiders, and here are my memories, these are my stories. All of which are real, even if I wish some of them weren't.

Its a strange feeling preparing yourself to spill your guts to anyone that wants to read about whatever it is that you've found inside yourself. Even more so, perhaps, when you factor in that someone of the people i love most in the world, will probably never know about any of this, cause with them, I can never find the words.

I'm a teenage girl, not yet eighteen, Im average height, skinny, hair that is the bane of my life cause it never does quite what i want it to. I'd love to say I looked like Hayley Williams, but younger and British but you know, not so much.
I live in the South of England, I spend like eighty five percent of the time locked inside my room, which is the one place in the world i feel truly safe. My school is an all-girls school and smacks of bitchiness and hypocrisy, like the sopranos meets Bring It On.
"My friends are a different breed, my friends are everything". It's true you know.
So I guess that leaves me. I'm fantastic at falling for guys who dont like me back, I daydream more than I do anything productive, and I have the same sense of humour I did when i was five. It may be childish pathetic, but who cares? If it means that i can nearly split a lung laughing at the E4 advert that says "i love it so much I do a tiny wee" then who really cares y'all?

I'd give anything to be able to see the world, and i think thats part of the allure of dedicating my life to my band, because it's all i want to do. Yeah it'll be hard, tiring, tension fraught, but playing our songs everynight? its just too beautiful. so if you're gonna tell me to get a real job, education, i'll tell you where you can go, honey. So don't waste your breath.

This year has been amazing, I've learnt so much about myself. I've had my emotions tested almost to breaking point, I've stood in the middle of chaos, and war and confusion and I've come through the other side so much stronger than I ever thought Icould be. I still sometimes wake up feeling nauseous with panic, I've cried so hard I've been sick, and yet I wouldn't trade a minute, because everything happens for a reason, and I've stopped being so self-involved, and have really learnt the meaning of the phrase "give yourself away."

I like to kiss boys, and yet i've still never had the kiss: the one that turns you inside out. Far too many of mine involve a tongue tickling my throat, clamoruing hands on my neck, back, hips and have me digging my nails in my palm. The kisses get me into trouble sometimes, because too often they're not thought through, and when you wake up the next day, with smoke-smelling hair clinging in wisps to your face, and clothes that suddenly feel too big, you wish they'd never happened. But they did, and you have to deal with the fall out. I'm currently feuding with my ex, and although the words change, we've been having this fight since February. I've broken two hearts and severly dented a third. And that's not something I'm proud of, in fact it sickens me to the pit of my stomach, but for the first time in a long time I'm trying honesty.